Friday, March 31, 2006

chr(10) + chr(13) = crlf. Every time. Except in stupid Unix.

This is hitting the presses late because I over celebrated, last night.

I had a good reason.

I won the World of Warcraft game, finally. It was SO hard to win but I won it. Lots of fellows will tell you they won it, but the facts cannot be disputed cause here they are:

Fact 1: I won it.

Fact 2: If you think you did, then you're a clueless fag.

So then I got my drink on and crashed on the couch.

Here's how I did it...

This wizard was casting spells and threw one at me and I ducked under it and came up with my broadsword right to his bookish head. BAM, WIZARD! Regret not having that armor now, huh!

Then this rogue was trying to backstab me and I did a flying crane kick right to his main central artery.

Finally this dragon came and I ganked it with a metal boot jack right in the gob hole whenst the pee comes.

So now you can see that I won it.

And I got a million gold which I will spend on my virtual girlfriend, Tina1987@yahoo.com.

Now I have nothing to do at nights. I will soon become a Law and Order junkie like all the women. And then I'll start having periods.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

My yellow slicker is dirty from your ministrations

I'll never win the lottery.

My chance came on Sunday and I didn't snatch it. The lottery was at 111 million and I said to myself... one hundred eleven... that's a prime number. Shit, I should totally buy because the drawing is tonight and this is a prime number lottery.

Then I didn't.

I'm fucked on this score but that's ok because I have happiness and you can't buy that. Except prostitutes and drugs.

Secondarily I have in my breast pocket a near-full box of vaginal contraceptives in case you wanna make love with me later in the day (or maybe just blow jobs would be ok, too). It's a film. I put it on my tongue thinking it would be sweet and it wasn't.

You men would need to put the film all up there in the territory, too. I can't afford no more babies. And it works for men, too. I done it one time and I never did get prego from it.

Secondarily again, enough with that James Blunt song. I fucking get it. Beautiful, etc. Never sleep with you. I get it. I. get. it.

How would you like me to come to your house and say the same thing over and over, and in the malls and in your car, James? How would you like it? Well I'm gonna.

Like that Jap water torture but with the Blunt.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

From down there can be only up. Or sideways into other bad things.

Pop quiz:

The following are people I want to fuck:

a.) your girlfriend.
b.) your wife.
c.) you.
d.) your mom (again)

Please choose the answer or answers that best suit the truth.

Secondarily, I have discovered a new type of fairy. A fairy called the "Plant a hair head in your bum hole" fairy. This fairy takes hair from your head and puts it way up in your anal sphincter and leaves no money behind.

I discovered this new type of fairy while cleaning my area and finding hair where no head hair should be and it just kept pulling and pulling.

I feel the best way to keep this new kind of fairy away is to not clean the area.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Menses make good fences

Everyone, a terrible mistake was made in yesterday's post. When talking about the ice skating rink full of Jew blood I mistakenly said Jew blood when I meant Muslim blood. I'm terribly sorry, Jews--this was a bad one and I've made several mistakes before.

Furthermore, I said baby Jew when I meant Muslim menses. No, that's a lie. I did mean baby Muslim blood. You see, the Muslim blood is red hot on account of how they try to kill you for the smallest thing and when you freeze that hot, pure baby blood the result is a sheen and a glide that is beyond measure. Sasha Cohen totally endorses my blood rink. She can't wait to put on the whitest silk stockings and take a spin and do a sow cow.

I'll grant you the Muslim baby blood is not as sweet as the sweet Jew blood but it's not an ice cream contest, it's a skate park.

Someone suggested to me that you could also use Christian blood but I found that offensive and in bad taste. For shame. Are there no limits?

Monday, March 27, 2006

Get a rhythm. When you get the blues.

I think a fancy idea for an interesting amusement park would be an ice rink with frozen baby Jew blood instead of actual ice.

I can imagine the kids skating and one saying, "OMG, LOL, red ice, neat!"

Then their friends would all laugh at them and say, "That's not just ice, it's baby Jew blood ice! LOL!!!"

Then they'd race around on the blood ice and do that one stop where you spray ice all over your friend and you can picture the friend delicately licking the Jew blood ice from their blood flecked face.

When they get home, their moms are horrified, "What happened to you?" they shriek on account of being covered in blood!

"Oh, mom, it's just the baby Jew blood ice rink that opened last week!"

I wonder what the mom would say. Probably just LOL! You change those clothes right now, young man!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Effects of selenium on gallbladder carcinogenesis induced by an intracholecystic 3-methylcholanthrene beeswax pellet in female Syrian golden hamsters.

If I lived in a vagina I would be a hunter and gatherer society.

I would hunt the sperms that are always streaking through my campsite. Especially the sluts who have lots of visits from the spermy men.

I'd grow like a big fat caterpillar until the vagina got all old and ugly and the sperms stopped coming.

Then I'd grow into a beautiful cocoon and then probly be cut out and called a uterine tumor.

But that's ok. I had a good life an many good hunts in the cunts.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

I'm having an emergency poop situation

___====-_ _-====___
_--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
-############// |\^^/| \\############-
_~############// (O||O) \\############~_
~#############(( \\// ))#############~
-###############\\ (oo) //###############-
-#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
-###################\\/ () \//###################-
_#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
|/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| '
` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> '
( | |()| | )\ /|/
__\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/
(vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/


This is a self-portrait.

I drew this dragon in like 2 seconds I'm such a good ascii artist. I'd join an ascii contest but I'd surely win. I'd join an ascii commune but I don't like hippies because they stink.

I am one of the stronger dragons in the known dimensions and my v-like talons can be very sharp when I cast the spells of Sharpening III. My tail is spiky and often resembles a series of jagged lines which I think makes me ruggedly handsome.

Unlike Smaug I have no chest defects.

Gandalf tried to jack me once and I shot him in the face with a mug full of eye beams. That was the last time any wizardry mumbo jumbo came into my life.

I'm a Virgo.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Chix with Dix do not amuse me

I have conspired all weekend to invent things and I have done such a thing based on conspiration.

The one being something I like to call, "Bucket of Blood."

It contains one bucket and it's full of blood and you will be able to dump it on people when they get their proms done or just any ole time!

Secondarily I invented what I like to consider the future of modern war, the Pool Stick Gun. It comes with one pool ball and one cue stick. You put the ball on the ground, line up your shot and fire the ball at regular speed toward your enemy!

Works every time, pool ball right in the eye, muthafuckah! You want another stick in the eye?

Didn't think so.

Friday, March 17, 2006

You have forced me to chew of the aluminum forest

Three things of dubious notation:

The king of the leprechaun army will be called leprekong.

The so-called alien invasion has been delayed several weeks.

I am going to donate my hair--my pubics. I have noted that all of the lasses in the pronos that come onto the television channels way up into the 500s never have pubes and they must be so embarrassed. I will give them mats from my lush garden and also supply the glue so they aren't so exposed to the elements.

Thirdly here is a grammar lesson.

Capitol is where the dicks go through that juicy donut of an O. All others go through the A. Where dicks should not go. See how easy it can be when you love reading and science as much as I do?

Secondarily, I am love.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

I have contributed to the filth fund

agctcatacxxxtgtatg

That is a sample Xerox of my DNA. Don't clone me!

I show you only so that you can see how nicely I'm evolving while you, Kansas, are not.

Secondarily, this is my plan for St. Pat's day (Dear Jews, St. Pat's day is when the Irish get all drunked up on account of some guy named Pat (Dear Muslims, please don't cut my froat)): Sit around in my dirtiest of underwear and watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People...which I do every night.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

My lovely lady lumps

I just wanted everyone to know that if some doppleganger situation ever happens to me I'll kill it. No questions. Just a pencil in the fucking neck.

This includes people claiming to be a twin or a long-lost adoptive brother. That's how the dopplegangers get you. Trickery and subterfuge then it's the pencil in your neck.

Secondarily, the hungriest vampire is the turnip vampire. Also the poorest and the dumbest. Also very skinny and pretty.

Thirdly, I am between the first and second poops of the day. The reason for this information is that when wiping, a small piece came upon my thumb like a stray sailor looking for new passage and I successfully did not suck it off as if some delicate saffron.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Outsourcing this blog to India

Dear Toothfairy,

If you ever forget to come to my house again I'll track you down and beat you into a pile of shit.

MY KIDS WERE CRYING!

"SHE FORGOT TO TAKE MY TOOTH, DAD!!! WHY???"

"She can be a real cunt, son. Don't worry, she'll come tonight."

I hope you're feeling proud of yourself.

Monday, March 13, 2006

A weasel is not a weavil and vice versa

Here's the newest Brokeback Mountain joke: Yadda, yadda, jabba, jabba OMG, GAY COWBOYS??!!! WHAAAAA???!!! LAUGH LAUGH LAUGHS AND I'M LAUGHING!

Here is the latest ascii pictorial of the Brokeback Mountain joke montage:

!!??lkjsdlkfjslkj!!??lkjsdlkfjslkj!!??lkjsdlkfjslkjffff
lkjlskjjjkjlljjlkljlkjOMG, GAY COWBOYS!!??lkjsdlkfjslkj
!!??lkjsdlkfjslkj!!??lkjsdlkfjslkj!!??lkjsdlkfjslkjjjjj

Dear gays, please stop doing jobs that are outside of well-established stereotypes, it throws us. Below is a list of available careers:

Hair Stylist/Hair Dresser
Stewardess

That's an exhaustive list.

Friday, March 10, 2006

This is the song, this is the song, this is the lyric, this is a thong

If I were a bug exterminator I would be the kind of man who dropped in the subtle wink after dropping a particularly rustic bit of advice, "The termite has a well known and dubious habit of resting in the crotch of a house..." *wink*

Then a pause while I measure their reaction.

Then I'd shift my wig three inches to the left, then quickly back as if I hadn't done anything.

It would be a black wig, feathered but unkempt from being not on the fake wig-model head but from being thrown on the bathroom floor.

I would keep a pair of red panties in my coat pocket and would remove them whenever I was reaching for a bill of sale--quickly stuffing them back in the pocket as soon as they were noticed.

I wouldn't take any job that risked my life. Ever.

I'd have a ham sized hole cut in the left hand side of my right pocket so that I could grab the shiv which was positioned in my work boot.

I would become a vegetarian so I could better understand my prey.

I would know God.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Way up firm and high

When the Jews fly to space they will go in the finest Chrysler JewFOs.

I have coined a new phrase and it is thus: Vominatrix. Please affix a definition.

Dear California, Uggs are just Moonboots. Remember those? I do. They were classics.

Friday, March 03, 2006

I carry a sword of tremendous blunt power

My next invention is to create a scale that measures inner beauty so that all those ugly people can feel good about themselves.

I'll call it the You're Ugly but Real Nice Scale. It will translate the nice genes to weight and make you look very skinny like we pretty people are.

Have a nice weekend and such, I'll be off to a pretty person convention. I'll see you there if you got an invitation!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

I've got blazer vision

The most important thing to understand about getting boob implants is that it will make the boys respect you more.

Your new rack will also make them listen and pay attention to your every word.

Also another nice breast feature is it will improve your balance and let you see in the dark and smell new tastes of blood in the finest of beef. The new ones will also make you immune to several types of breast cancers and chlamydia.

The left implant will make you feel at peace with the world and let you lift heavier objects than before on account of steroids that live in there, as well. The right one will whisper soothing sounds when you're stressed.

I will hold them for you when you get tired from the weight of the world. No charge.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

I'm afraid you're flailing my crass

I feel sorry for the kid who was born to that 62 year old woman...crawling out of a kooch that old cannot be good for the psyche.

Let me show you on my one hooked claw how often I want to pierce the 62 year old. Are you watching? Do you see?

Secondarily, Catholics: Wash that shit off. You look like you have ink on your foreheads. No one is interested that some pedophile rubbed shit on your face. Especially not Jesus who hates dirt. Remember when they washed his feet?