Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Probly having a heart attack soon. You never can tell when they'll get you.

I'm in the process of inventing a new type of DNA, a DNA where people will have butt plugs instead of the anal sphincters.

The advantage of the butt plug to the sphincter is that it doesn't tear on contact.  Plus if you over-wipe, the butt plug does not care as it's made of plastic and also if you have to go on a trip, you simply say, "Sec, guys, have to drain the butt plug," and you don't have to worry about stopping on the road.

The other advantage is one size fits all.

Sure, we will market them as different sizes but only we will know that.  You and me.  Not the masses who will have to buy replacement butt plugs.  (I will provide ours for free).

I also thought it would be a good idea to get into the manufacture and marketing and distribution of butt plugs, because you know people are going to misplace them.

You just know it.

We'll do 3 packages, one super large, for the large sized shitter, one medium and one super small for the dainty and effete.

Of course, the slutty gays will buy the large sized and they'll strut around the gym saying, look at all the gay sex I've had.  Look at my massive butt plug.

Of course the closet gays and most girls will get the small butt plugs.  They'll strut around the gym saying, look at how small my butt plug is, I've never had nor wanted to have any gay sex (for what the boys say).  The girls say, look at how skinny I am and my butt plug proves it!

And maybe that's true, who am I to judge.

Everyone else, you and me probably, will get the medium sized because really, it's just a butt plug.

Your wife will say to you, you need butt plugs?  And you'll say, sure, get me some.

Medium, or should I get you large, this time?

She'll say that to test you, to see if you're dipping into the gay wells.

The correct answer is a distracted, over-the-shoulder comment, "Jesus, I don't care, just get me some."

Indifference is the key to many a puzzle.

Another scenario is this, "Dad, I lost my butt plug, may I borrow one of yours?"

Then you sigh like, butt plugs don't grow on trees and you should be more responsible like I was more responsible at your age, but you don't say it.  You sure don't say it but they know.

Then you take yours out and hand it over and they pop it right in.

You don't even have to wash them because they're already dirty!  I mean, covered in poo is covered in poo, right?

If you took a pile of dirt and laid it on a pile of dirt, would you call that new pile more or less dirty?

No, it would be the same.  Filthy and disgusting.  Dirty.  Ick.  Don't touch them.  Contaminated.  Not more, not less.  Same.

But then should you take that dirt pile and put it into a dirty hole and tamp it down would you say that hole is any dirtier?

No matter how hard you tamp, tamp power is not the relevant factor here, it's the dirty factor.

It would still be dirty, you would agree.

I suppose we could do studies.


We would do studies.

Lots of studies.

To make sure you could just swap them around like that safely.

Of course the studies would come back that you should NOT swap them around.  Or that you should soak them in alcohol before any sort of swapping.

And then that would lead to the inevitable...

Butt plug swapping parties.