Monday, April 13, 2009

Struggling to hold up reality for you

I thought of the funniest thing, today.

It was that I could say, "I'm going to write something today and its so funny."

And I misspell its so that you feel better about yourself and also as a clue that it's going to make you goddamn mad when you see it.  But you don't know that part, yet, at this point you're just a little pleased that finally something is here.  Life can go on.  You are whole once again, for now.

And then I add some ellipses and returns so that you have to scroll all the way down the page to see the funny and then, the humor kicks in and it says, "APRIL FOOLS!!!! LOL, YOUR A FOOL!!!"

Always the way with me.  I get mediocre ideas 12 days too late.  Woe for the lack of a time machine and extra vaseline.

Well, Easter has come and gone, just like that, and me without my annual happy Easter, Jews!  Maybe next year.

We did do some praying this easter as we sat around the table eating food to scare off the Jews (hams).  I added the octo mom to my prayers, this year.  The prayer goes like this, "Please bless the octo mom that she will fucking die and that rabid dogs eat her nine thousand kids and that monkeys infest her house and you know how dirty they can be."


If you see the octo mom?  Look away.  She's actually stealing your soul.

It's like the salt monster in Star Trek but with octo she just has to catch you looking at her misshapen lips and she has a bit of your soul and you're going to die sooner.

It's what she does.

And when we pray we let everyone have their say at Easter and so everyone goes around and says things about what they like and want in the future and things from the past and I try not to scoff and roll my eyes while I wait to tell about my things and the octo mom and this year while I was waiting for others to say thier dum things, I was struck with a thought.

In the face.

So after Jesus died (at the hands of the Jews and while you can say the Romans had a hand in it, it was mostly the Jews (which is why they have suffered so much, not because of the Jesus thing, specifically, but because of general evil)) and they took him down and put him in a cave and stuck a rock over it... what did he do in the cave from Friday to Sunday?

I'm guessing for the first 15 minutes he's in there masturbating (which should be called masterbating for people who are really good at it), because, finally... peace and quiet, nobody lurking around to wash his feet and such.  Then for the next three days, looking at his watch and wondering where are his peeps.

So much for devotion, they wait 3 days to see if he's really dead?

A good friend would poke you with a stick right after.

Then fuck your wife.