pube is not a word in the gmails. confusingly pubes is. i guess why stop at one when you have a good thing.

Know what would be itchy?  A blanket made out of pubes.

Hand stitched.

Brown pubes.

I think they're all brown.

Mine are golden.

A brown pube blanket, hand stitched with white stencils sewn on in the shape of Jesus riding a whale into hell to fight Satan and rescue Socrates from Limbo.

Or a pony.

A white pony grazing on a fine layer of grassy pubes, just enjoying the day.  Eating pubes.  Plotting evil.

Someone should write a pube-pony poem. 

I found this picture of you.

http://monsterdonut.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/moondragon-aquaman.jpg

As regards shitty powers (talking to fish) I thought of one that's a rival.  Maybe not shitty, maybe more trivial.

The power to put a pube in your mouth and know if it came from a man or a woman.

Right now I just imagine it's a woman's and eat them.

But if you knew for sure it was a man's pube you could spit it out and feign discuss and assure everyone that no, you're NOT gay and just how the hell did a man's pube get into your mouth?

Invented the wheel. Years ago.

Know what a bad movie would be?

Blog Day Afternoon.

Some guy sitting around and writing about what a bad experience he had at the Starbucks and then carefully looking for a picture that best depicts his terrible experience.

And it was terrible.

I asked for no foam?  It was like that fucking barrista didn't even listen. 

It was like this picture only less indeterminate brown people: http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/08_03/FoamBeachII2_800x513.jpg

Here's a picture of a bunny made out of foam: http://www.partyshelf.com/images/Easter%20Craft/Bunny_Foam_Cup.jpg

These guys look pretty cool: http://www.executivesurfclub.com/records/images/bubblepuppy.jpg

I have some sad news.  I'm a bit hung over.  It's like tearing words from my brain and they're in cement.  All stuck in there and confusingly there are also Barbie legs and clothes.

Plus I had great plans for yesterday.

One was to get my web site working so my next steps on world domination could continue but like the fucking etard that I am, I could not bend the great girth of the innernets to my will, so now I have to wait longer to dominate.  Plus probably technical support.  Plus I had a screenplay going to Land of the Lost and Will has come along and stole my idea.

Which is cool, he seems pretty nice.  Plus I wasn't doing anything with it.

The other thing was that I was going to see the Jagger girls and probably bed them all but instead I got drunk, turned the AC down to like fifty and bundled up in bed watching some terrible movie with Nicole Kidman.

It was the one where she fights aliens... And can't sleep.  Skip it.  Terrible.  Hated it through the whole thing.

Another thing is I uncovered a word in my brain and it's called sement.  Similar to the cement pond but Jethro is all greased up and when you hit the liquid it's thick and you don't want to get any in your mouth or vagina.

Try to use it in your daily conversations.

It's a little awkward to fit into most contexts but sometimes it fits perfectly.

Which is what words are for.

PS I found this web site today while looking for foam.  Foam led to bubbles.  Bubbles somehow led to this.  It's ... disturbing.  http://blueboychihuahuas.com/breeding/whelping/sadie/birthofalitter.html

check it, bitches

http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Wept-G-W-Jackson/dp/B002ACUJNY/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1243435227&sr=8-2

That's me.

On hamazongs.

I'm drinking early today.

Like every day.

A fine brew the swine flu

Leave it to the Mexicans to create a pandemic that's too lazy to actually kill anyone.

Struggling to hold up reality for you

I thought of the funniest thing, today.

It was that I could say, "I'm going to write something today and its so funny."

And I misspell its so that you feel better about yourself and also as a clue that it's going to make you goddamn mad when you see it.  But you don't know that part, yet, at this point you're just a little pleased that finally something is here.  Life can go on.  You are whole once again, for now.

And then I add some ellipses and returns so that you have to scroll all the way down the page to see the funny and then, the humor kicks in and it says, "APRIL FOOLS!!!! LOL, YOUR A FOOL!!!"

Always the way with me.  I get mediocre ideas 12 days too late.  Woe for the lack of a time machine and extra vaseline.

Well, Easter has come and gone, just like that, and me without my annual happy Easter, Jews!  Maybe next year.

We did do some praying this easter as we sat around the table eating food to scare off the Jews (hams).  I added the octo mom to my prayers, this year.  The prayer goes like this, "Please bless the octo mom that she will fucking die and that rabid dogs eat her nine thousand kids and that monkeys infest her house and you know how dirty they can be."

Seriously.

If you see the octo mom?  Look away.  She's actually stealing your soul.

It's like the salt monster in Star Trek but with octo she just has to catch you looking at her misshapen lips and she has a bit of your soul and you're going to die sooner.

It's what she does.

And when we pray we let everyone have their say at Easter and so everyone goes around and says things about what they like and want in the future and things from the past and I try not to scoff and roll my eyes while I wait to tell about my things and the octo mom and this year while I was waiting for others to say thier dum things, I was struck with a thought.

In the face.

So after Jesus died (at the hands of the Jews and while you can say the Romans had a hand in it, it was mostly the Jews (which is why they have suffered so much, not because of the Jesus thing, specifically, but because of general evil)) and they took him down and put him in a cave and stuck a rock over it... what did he do in the cave from Friday to Sunday?

I'm guessing for the first 15 minutes he's in there masturbating (which should be called masterbating for people who are really good at it), because, finally... peace and quiet, nobody lurking around to wash his feet and such.  Then for the next three days, looking at his watch and wondering where are his peeps.

So much for devotion, they wait 3 days to see if he's really dead?

A good friend would poke you with a stick right after.

Then fuck your wife.

Struggling to hold up reality for you

I thought of the funniest thing, today.

It was that I could say, "I'm going to write something today and its so funny."

And I misspell its so that you feel better about yourself and also as a clue that it's going to make you goddamn mad when you see it.  But you don't know that part, yet, at this point you're just a little pleased that finally something is here.  Life can go on.  You are whole once again, for now.

And then I add some ellipses and returns so that you have to scroll all the way down the page to see the funny and then, the humor kicks in and it says, "APRIL FOOLS!!!! LOL, YOUR A FOOL!!!"

Always the way with me.  I get mediocre ideas 12 days too late.  Woe for the lack of a time machine and extra vaseline.

Well, Easter has come and gone, just like that, and me without my annual happy Easter, Jews!  Maybe next year.

We did do some praying this easter as we sat around the table eating food to scare off the Jews (hams).  I added the octo mom to my prayers, this year.  The prayer goes like this, "Please bless the octo mom that she will fucking die and that rabid dogs eat her nine thousand kids and that monkeys infest her house and you know how dirty they can be."

Seriously.

If you see the octo mom?  Look away.  She's actually stealing your soul.

It's like the salt monster in Star Trek but with octo she just has to catch you looking at her misshapen lips and she has a bit of your soul and you're going to die sooner.

It's what she does.

And when we pray we let everyone have their say at Easter and so everyone goes around and says things about what they like and want in the future and things from the past and I try not to scoff and roll my eyes while I wait to tell about my things and the octo mom and this year while I was waiting for others to say thier dum things, I was struck with a thought.

In the face.

So after Jesus died (at the hands of the Jews and while you can say the Romans had a hand in it, it was mostly the Jews (which is why they have suffered so much, not because of the Jesus thing, specifically, but because of general evil)) and they took him down and put him in a cave and stuck a rock over it... what did he do in the cave from Friday to Sunday?

I'm guessing for the first 15 minutes he's in there masturbating (which should be called masterbating for people who are really good at it), because, finally... peace and quiet, nobody lurking around to wash his feet and such.  Then for the next three days, looking at his watch and wondering where are his peeps.

So much for devotion, they wait 3 days to see if he's really dead?

A good friend would poke you with a stick right after.

Then fuck your wife.

Captain of Ass Zit Island

I found out today that I'm getting rich.

My Cafe Press revenues rolled in today and I don't mean to brag but soon I'll be rich and never write another thing...not that I write so much, these days, but soon the Cafe Press will be cleaning my dirty  undies and blowing on my nut sack when it's hot and humid in Omaha and the nut sack is wrinkled and wet.

I can't share the entire sum of the monies that they sent to me, probably just the first part of a much larger check (mind you), but I can say that it was a little more than seven American dollars.

I have decided to use the 7 to pad my recent venture of trying to sell a new invention to a very fickle public.  You can tell me that it might not be a good time to try and launch a series of innovative food inventions but I've always been a dreamer.

I was just in Boston pitching my newest  idea in the culinary societies and that invention is the Tamprawn.  The Tamprawn is a succulent frozen prawn surrounded by an easy to remove plastic applicator.  Simply slide off the plastic, drop the prawn onto a ceramic plate, microwave for 45-60 seconds and wala!  A meal both sanitary and fit for a king.

Sadly...no buyers. 

Thank God for the Cafe Press proceeds.

And welfare.

Happy Xmas, jews!

Here's a pome I'm going to tell you in Iambic Sucktameter and it's also a true story.  The story comes from the anals of the Laureate where I live with Jesus and Bigfoot, who looks after Jesus when they go to the gay bars.  Jesus isn't gay but he sure likes to dance.

Ok, he might be gay.  He's always hanging around hookers but he never smells of tang.

(Poontang).

i was driving in my car
and it's cold
and icy
and down this steep hill
comes a woman, waxing in and out of my lane
as if to kill me
on go my brakes
and i stop
dead
her?
not so
PLOW
into the island of doom
for her
and loud was the crashing
of glass and street lamps
and there she sat
weeping
and lo i drove by
laughing

I woulda wrote sooner but I was off to get you a Xmas present, Jews.  I have the spirit of giving and I got it bad.  I was off to find the perfect present and I think I finally found one.  A shiny new dildo to replace your careworn dirty dildo from two-holing it all the time.

Two-holing is a term I made up which means filling two holes, one with a dirty dildo and the other with whatever you can find, but not a vacuum tube, cause that can suck things out that are best left there.  Inside.

So anyway, I went to the dildo store, trying to get you the biggest, blackest dildo there ever was and I'll be damned if they're not sold out of them!

Sorry, the innernets.

Then I looked for a smaller white one and so expensive!  The only one I could afford was a sex offender model and I knew you wouldn't want that one, so covered in all the wrong things.

So, long story short and sorry for the spoilers but I got you a asian dong.  It's a bit smaller than you like and it's half flaccid.  But the good news is that it's half erect!  It doesn't come with this, but you can buy extra if you want to make it full on hard -- Tiger scrotum and Gorilla teeth ground up and rubbed onto the dilds.

It's kinda expensive though, but it's worth it.

Anyway, have a happy Xmas and you know I will too.

Love,

Ho.