Friday, April 16, 2010

I've drawn two dots on my penis so that it's constantly making the following emote :| except for it makes it on its side like in real life

I always preferred Pinkie Tuscadero to her sister, Leather Tuscadero.

Leather Tuscadero gave me the fright.

I think it was the leather jacket or the Joan Jett hair or the manish face and I can't really tell you for sure what it was but it was something about her that gave me the fright.

I'm not really sure what Fonzie saw in her to be honest.

What a disappointment, Henry Winkler.  He goes from the awesome Fonzie to sad Henry Winkler.  Smelling socks and working in a morgue, pushing away a sack full of prostitutes and whining all the while.

It's like he got a transfusion of Gabe Kaplan's blood some time in the 70s.

What a shame, poor Henry Winkler.

Pinkie Tuscadero wore pink things and chewed gum which is a fine enough exercise.  She wore a pink bow in her hair, which was nice.  If you can say wearing any bow ever in your hair is nice, that is.

It is not nice.

Leather Tuscadero is the kind that doesn't hold you at arm's length but she invites you to her apartment to look at her art and you've had enough to drink so you go and when you get there and it's late and your friends have all seen you out the door with Leather Tuscadero, you find that you don't know what to do with a woman who doesn't arm's length you.

So you sit and you look at the art and you say stupid, awkward things and you pet her cat and then you pass out drunk on her bed just to wake up in the morning feeling stupid and foolish and then the long walk home.

In that respect, Leather Tuscadero is like most of the women I've ever known.

Including the arm's lengthers.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

If you could get nobel peaces for avoiding conflict with your wife, i'd have a closet full (yes, i mean your wife, she can be a real bitch)

I knew a girl once who used to tell everyone that she was a vegetarian but that she ate fish and turkey sometimes and that always struck me as being a piss poor vegetarian.  I never said nothing to her because she was attractive.  Not big old tits that jutted or spilled out or nothing like that, one of skinny ones who keep you an arms length away. 

Or more. 

Sometimes more than an arms length and in this case it was true so I had nothing to lose to tell her that vegetarians are ones what don't eat any meat at all and sometimes they don't eat eggs and sometimes they don't eat cheese and that in all cases it's retarded and we should just have a steak and the scotch.

But she was pretty so I let the rage build up inside until today.  Now it's out and spilled on you.  Now it's your rage.  Now you can bottle it up and let it stew up in you until you run out of your bedroom and tell your mom that she's not folding your PJs well enough.

Or whatever it is you do when pent up anger.

I wonder what the Catholic vegetarians do.

Technically they're always munching the body of Christ.  Strikes me as that's a piss poor vegetarian, a cannibal.

I wonder which part of the body it is.  I guess I wouldn't mind having the ribs.  Ribs are pretty good.  I'd hate to get the scrote or something, though.  I guess you just have to think of it like a hot dog and not really think about it.

The blood is easier.

Catholics would make very bad Hindus what with all the body and blood of Christ.

Plus it was just Easter.  Came and went which is kind of how it always happens.

I don't mean to brag but I basically ate an entire ham myself.  I made a ham soup and I done it wrong so it tasted like ham and salt.  Like if you took a ham to the ocean and put it all together then 7 quarts later you have sea-ham and you try to make your kids eat it but they won't.  Because it's terrible and you don't want to waste it because it's ham so you eat it every day for 9 meals a day because you're forty and fat.

And now I have an erection like Cialis does over 4 hours but it's from ham and I'm not sure if I should try to jerk it away or just lay back and let the ham run its course.  Likely I'll go for plan A, might as well make the best of a good thing.