i want to reassure you that i don't own a belt made of vulvas. a so-called vulva belt. or a vulva yammicka but i want one. (birthday idea)

I've never been able to tell the difference between Jack Nicklaus and Jack Nicholson, that much of the truth is true.  And besides I wouldn't lie about things like that, it doesn't really matter anyway.

It has been a source of long embarrassment to me that I confuse the two men.  I never talk about the golfing one, who gives a shit about golf and who's a good golfer.  Golf is a faggy effite sport that faggy effites do and rub dicks about.  Nobody cares.  

That much is true.

Plus what kind of sport is good when it's a low score?  Other than golf?  Soccer?  Fuck golf and soccer, sports that made the Incas die.

The only thing that's good about golf was watching Tiger Woods' life implode in a sparky fury of dirty vaj-filled infidelity.  Had I known that being a famous golfer would be auto entry into every despoiled rain forest of prony vaginas then I may have considered it as a career.  Maybe not as the first choice but in junior high I may have listed it behind doctor as a close second.

And that much is true, it seemed that a doctor would be a good career but fuck that.  Do you know how much doctors work?  That would have cut into my me time.  Fuck that.

Plus, everyone was all, omg, his wife is so hot!  She's not that hot.  Plus she's a terrorist from Norway or some such country.  Point is she's not that hot and she's not an American.

That much is true.

But that's neither here nor there, I can guarantee you.  I can guarantee that I've spoken the truth, too.  Elin is not that hot and I can't differentiate between Nicklaus and Nicholson.

Not that it really matters.  About the name thing.  Tiger's pale white wife also doesn't matter.  But I'm talking about the names.  Nicklaus and Nicholson.

It always comes up that I'm talking about a movie and he's in one of them and I say, god, it's that movie with Jack Nicklaus in it and he's a crazy guy...

Always some asshole cracks like it's the funniest thing he's ever said, DO YOU MEAN JACK NICHOLSON?

Always it's in caps and sure to be followed by guffaws and my grinding jaw.

What can I do about this?  I'm confused and that's just the way it is, their names are far too similar.  And if the jokes that came after were funny I simply wouldn't mind.

That's true.

I think it would be fair if we made Jack Nicklaus cut his nipples off.

That would be the only fair way to treat this situation we have with him.  He probably makes the same mistakes, in fact.  At least that situation would be funnier because that would mean he was an old man making the long slide into insanity and nobody would mention that he got his own name wrong but just look around sheepishly hoping they were in his will.

That would be fine and just.

So he's getting pretty old and I think if he would allow us to cut his nipples off that it would be a pneumonic that we could all master and avoid that mistake and it might even help him.

Plus he's not using his nipples, I'll bet.  Sure, maybe as a young man...  But he's almost dead as old as he is and now the nipples just hang there in a forest of gray hair and they weep at the sag and rememberance of better days and they'd cut themselves off if they could.

So if we could say in our heads when talking about one of the Jacks it would be easy enough to say, Jack Nicklaus cut his nipples off.

And that rhyme would solve a lot of today's problems.

And that much is true.