Friday, December 31, 2004

Sense of Smell

My favorite part in The Silence of the Lambs was when Jodie Foster walks into the prison and Miggs says, "I can smell your cunt." Then Hannibal says, "I see. I myself cannot. You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes your wear L'Air du Temps, but not today."

I'll bet Hannibal was right. Jodie Foster always looks so clean and fresh. I'll bet Miggs was just saying that because he was a mean guy.

I tried that line at work once. The HR lady was bringing around checks and I slyly said to her, "I can smell your cunt."

She said, "Excuse me?"

That threw me. Jodie Foster just kept walking. The scene was all wrong. And I was playing the part of Miggs when I really wanted to be in the role of Hannibal. Shit. I realized that I should have had one of my coworkers tell the HR lady that he could smell her cunt, so that I could then have the cool lines.

As a last resort, I considered hurrying and masturbating, but then I just wasn't up to it.

Talk about someone who's really willing to throw the whole Sexual Harassment term around is someone from HR. I did apologize and explain my motives, but she was nonplussed.

I think they should redefine the rating from R-Restricted to R-Really bad idea to do at work. That would make more sense, don't you think?

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Ho Ho!

Well, I hate to toot my own horn, but I'm going to do just that. *TOOT*

Now that we have that out of the way, I have some exciting news. I have a new holiday idea to compete with Cinqo De Mayo....Are you ready for this? Stinko De Mayo. Not sure what we'd do, but I think it's kinda catchy. In fact, it's probably so catchy that someone already thought of it. But it's still a new thought for me, so I am going to claim it.

Have a safe and drunken...or sober if you swing that year's eve. Unless you celebrate Tet. If so, disregard....or, shall I say, Happy New Year's, Vietnamese Person!

Leciones tantos dificiles

Wherein Mexican boy doesn't let Licky go after Easy-Easy-Lemon-Squeezy (Boys-And-Girls-All-Call-Me-Sleezy) because that tramp has run away one too many times. Licky sure cries a lot, but Mexican boy sticks to his guns and threatens Licky with them at one point. A man has to have some dignity.

Later to be made (hopefully) into a TV movie of the week entitled That's it you Fickle Horse-Slut (I Won't Chase you Again, You're too Fast).

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Small Dose of Truth

Two things about me. I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004


Look at my new camel-toe boots. Aren't they divine?

Ho, ho! And lookie, lookie, here. Camel-toe shoes and a snazzy cup to protect the tender twins. (Insert mandatory xxl cup size joke)

How could you not get the xxl cup? I'd buy 10 and claim that I wear them out so quickly that I need a big supply on hand. In fact, let me break down and tell you a little bit about my life. Every Saturday I take the kids into the local WalMart and buy a 40 pack of Trojan Magnum XL. I ask the checker every week if they have anything larger. Then I look at my boys and give them a little nudge and snicker, anything larger! Oh, they love it. And so do

Ode to the Condom
Oh, dear condom, so sticky sweet
Your spermacide is very neat
I hate it when they roll their eyes
When I ask them for a super size.


I'll bet the week after Christmas is the time that garbage men really question if they've made the right career choice.

Proctologists, too. I'm not sure why, but I'll bet proctologists, too.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Bow Down to Me! Please?

Well, good news. I took the Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You? quiz and it turns out I'm a Goddess. I'm pleased with the results. I was hoping for Marilyn Manson, but Goddess works ok, too.

A picture of me came with the quiz. I'm terribly sexy, but apparently I have no nipples or pubic hair, but I have giant boobs, so I guess I can't complain too much. Now if I can just find some worshipers. Lesbian worshipers.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Think, think, think

So I had a bit of time to give thought to things over the weekend and I think I figured out how to integrate the Christian Christmas with the many Jews around the United States, and really...the world.

When giving a holiday greeting simply say, Merry Christmas, Jew.

I'm not sure how to work in the Muslims and Satanists, but I guess I'll just try and solve one problem at a time.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Merry Xmas you Crazy Xtians

Well, it's officially colder than a witches' tit, and I believe that a witches' tit is very, very cold. I wonder why. Must be because witches don't get any play what with the warts and all. Big noses, warty, cackly, mean, who would want to nuzzle that tit?

I love the word tit, it makes me titter. I'll bet titter grew out of tit. Tit, tit, tit.

I'll bet the witches in Buffy the Vampire Slayer have warm tits. I'd help warm them. Those witches are nubile. Even odd Willow. But she's a lesbian. Maybe all witches are lesbians and it takes a man's hand to warm a tit all proper. How's that for genderism? Would that make the gay man's penis warm and all straight men's peni cool? Speaking as a married man, I start to see some sense in what I'm saying, for once.

A cheer to my friends:
May your tits be warm
and your penis be envied.

Merry Xmas, if it applies to you. If it doesn't? CONVERT, SINNER.


I wonder if Shakespeare had his wife leaning over his shoulder asking him if he cleaned the cat box, yet, or wrapped the ten thousand Christmas presents. Where is Santa? Lazy fucker. I'm doing the work of me and that lazy bastard--it's his job, not mine. Hamlet would never have been written in my house. Shakespeare would have been lucky to pull off a quick pull before being pulled to some domestic duty.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Les Chats

As I was cleaning out the cat box, today, a thought occurred to me. Cats suck. Then another boxes stink.

Hut One

I think it would be very funny if, during a game, after the quarterback lined up behind the center, he shouted out, "Down, set, hut 1, hut 2, hump, hump, hump!" Then he started humping the center wildly--one hand grabbing the thigh of the center, the other hand (the dominant hand) slapping his ass like a cowboy spurring on his horse.

It would probably take awhile to get the trust of the center back, but sometimes the joke is worth the reprecussions.

What the hell does hut one mean? And is football the gayest sport ever? All the men bend over in catch position, the quarterback slides his hands into the warm groin of the center. They all fall in piles and hit each other, then fall in piles again, yet they all act so macho. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Hockey makes sense. It's an excuse to fight. Carry a stick, hit a little puck, then fight.

And is the word arrears the gayest word ever? And I mean Man-gay, not woman gay. I'm not sure what the gayest lesbian word ever is. Are you?

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Cartoon Xmas Special

Mexican boy and his invisible pony, Licky-Licky-Balls-So-Sticky travel through Ice Cream Forest, high over Snickers Peak and finally down through dark Caramel Cavern to rescue Licky's girlfriend, Easy-Easy-Lemon-Squeezy (Boys-And-Girls-All-Call-Me-Sleezy) from the evil Mme. Poop-Du-Jour.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Sci-Fi/Fantasy Book Idea Number 19

A young man from the country has awesome powers of magic. The only catch is that when he uses the powers his penis shrinks one whole inch (erect penis, that is). He teams up with a lusty wench who wields two giant swords and who has a giant rack of lamb in her lamb sack to save the world from an evil demon.

The two become lovers as people often do and she spends much of the latter half of the book castigating him when he uses his powers. Will they make it as a couple? Will he survive the journey intact?

Possible character names: Eunoch and Buxombra, Snippy and Moundine, Dinklage and Bombette.

Title suggestions welcome.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Good View from Here.

Growing up on Canker Mountain between Sugar Mountain and The Big Rock Candy Mountain sure taught me at an early age this lesson: location, location, location.

I See Things

Last night I had a dream. In this dream I was standing alone in the cafeteria and it was as if no one saw me there, people walked around me without ever glancing my way.

Then it got fuzzy and in the next part I was at a table of strangers and I was eating tacos. I took a bite and I chewed and it was then that I realized, this taco was magnificent!

Today, when I came in to work? Yep. Tacos. And I'm eating alone, again. Go figure.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

All this...for me?

I really do try and eschew honesty, but something happened in my real true life that I had to share.

The Christmas cards are pouring in, and as we all know by now, I have animals. I really do. Anyway, the vet sent me--inside of his Seasons Greetings card--a certificate for one free fecal exam! I think my coquettish demeanor is finally starting to win him over, that sly dog.

And before I forget, Merry Xmas to all of you, my friends. I'd wish you all of the xmas derivations, but I am a terrifically bad speller and those other festivities are far out of my league. I mean, Channakah--but they say Honnukah...see? There's no point to it.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Share In my Good news

Well, friends, we got a puppy. It's a black lab from the pound and he's pure black and has the craziest webbed feet. I had no idea dogs had webbed feet, but turns out--they do.

My kids wanted to name it and so I said, great--tell me your ideas. My four year old tells me he wants to name him Webbie (based on the webbed feet). That's so cute, I say. Then I ask my seven year old and he votes for Tank! Oh, I laugh and laugh at how cute they are and then I say, no.

Why, they ask and ask and I tell them I've already decided on a name. Yeller. That's right.

Then the oldest says, But he's not even yellow. That's when the first beating of the morning begins. After that exertion, Yeller is the name.

After weeks with the dog, I begin reading the story Old Yellow. I don't normally read to my kids because television is so much more efficient, but I had to for this joke to come off like I planned.

Sure enough, when they gunned down old Yeller in the end, my kids were hysterical!

We're not going to have to kill our Yeller, are we dad?

Oh, I laughed and laughed and then said. Not we, kids. You.

Circle Jerk Revisited

Well, good news everyone--I just got back from my first circle jerk and boy, are my arms tired--and guess what??!! I got the toast!! Haha, just kidding. My arms aren't really all that tired, it was over before I knew it.

Ha! Fooled you again, I didn't get the toast. In fact? It's mostly all a lie, I was all alone when it happened and I guess they call that masturbation, these days, but it was very nice. Except for the shame-shreik and all of that semen, it was one of the high points of my day. The orgasm is such a nice thing.

Then I got to thinking. Poor fish. They have no appendages with which to rub their pleasentry. They must rely on finding a willing partner. If I were a fish I'd be the angriest fucking fish in the sea.

Do me a favor and really, really enjoy the day, because I plan to, and I hate to drink alone. Actually, that's another lie, I don't mind drinking alone.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Sci-Fi Thriller -- Episode 8

Wherein the hero is walking with is wife and is confronted by an alien wielding alien technology. The alien whips out The Hump Ray and shoots them both.

The man falls down on all fours and every little step he takes is jerky like a dog with its dong out, humping the air.

The alien lets out a sinister laugh, then realizes the woman is standing there and looking pissed. He shoots her again, but the ray glances off her icy veneer. Now the woman is pissed like a housewife whose husband has thrice ignored her requests to do the dishes and she drubs the alien into submission. Then they eat him. Fade out.

My Sweet Little Four Year Old

Believe it or not, I have a four year old. Kids are so cute at this age, always saying the funniest things. Well, my son goes to a local Catholic school for pre-school and one day he came home telling me about the crucifox on the altar and how big it was.

Ahhh, I said to him and said crucifox?

And he said, yeah, dad, a big cross!

And I laughed and mussed his hair and said, son? It's crucifux. The last part is fux, not fox. Then I smiled a little grin to myself because didn't I pull one over on him.

Well, it proceded to get out of hand when Father William called me into his office a few days later. My son was there, kinda slumped down in his chair, looking up at me. Father William went around the desk and sat in his chair and folded his hands.

Mr. Ho, he said. Mr. Ho, your son told us that you explained the proper pronunciation of crucifix...ahem...incorrectly.

At this I stood up and raised my hand in the air as if to strike my son while shouting out--Homer-style--Why you little!

Father William shot up and yelled my name to stop me from striking my little sweet boy. Mr. Ho!

Of course I stopped because I never hit my kids when others are watching. I'm sorry Father, I said. It's just that these little bastards lie so damn much....

Well, one thing led to another and wouldn't you know it, I was not asked to coach soccer again this year. I love it when a plan comes together.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Poem from when I was married

La tee de la dee de la titter
My wife was the queen of the litter
And I was the runt
A wee little cunt
With a house
And a car
And her glitter.

Cartoon Idea Number 7

The title will be Scooby Don't. The owners of Scooby will follow Scooby around hitting him on the nose with a rolled up paper scolding him for biding the furniture.

Shaggy, a loyal member of peta, and also insane will break into the owner's house, tie them up and beat them in retalliation for their treatment of Scooby.

Shaggy and Scooby will then move to San Diego where nothing ever goes badly.

Small Stature

I have noticed that sometimes when someone is shorter than average they have a real problem with wanting to seem and feel important, which is just silly because it's just height.

I had a short friend explain this to me once and it was so cute! I reached out and pinched his cheek, in fact. Just gave it a little squeeze!

Hard Lessons Hard Learned

One day in whore school we all had homework; the assignment was to come up with a street name and then report it to the class.

I thought about it all weekend and on Monday I stood up in front of the class and anounced my street name: Frigid Bitch. Frigid like the hoar frost that glistens on the morning grass, and bitch like, well like a bitch because I would soon become everyone's bitch.

To my surprise, the class started laughing and pointing at me, and I ran out of the class. I was so ashamed and embarrassed, as you might understand.

When class got out, my friend Chief came up to me put his arm around my shoulder and kindly explained where I went wrong. He handed me a tissue and I dried my tears on it. Chief then told me, "Buckup, kiddo, you're gonna be a star."

I turned away to go check my mascera when Chief suckerpunched me. I hit the ground, stunned. Chief put down his big paw and helped me up and sent me on my way.

I learned two very important lessons that day:

1.) Never turn your back on an indian.
2.) Whitesnake said it best: Ain't no love in the heart of the city, though I think they meant to say isn't any love, because ... well, ain't? ain't a word, and ain't no? Just all wrong.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004


If I ever worked in a whore house, I'd demand a private bathroom, because--believe me--whoring can be dirty work.

To all I've ever loved before

I had in mind a short little missive about all of my lovers, listing them out from A to Z as I've seen done elsewhere, then I thought of all of the restraining orders, and then I wondered if the internet was considered to be within 100 feet or a residence, and then I doubted.

So in short, to you...and you know who you are...remember that time that we did that one thing? That was really fun, huh?

Word Hoard

If I could re-spell any word it would be titillating, of course I would make it tittylating because then the meaning would be inferred by the spelling and that has just a nice bounce to it.

Were I to kill one word it would be onomatopoeia and for several reasons. The first is that it doesn't represent what it means. It should be called pingalingadingdong and should be said with great zest, lusty zest with spit flying in spite of not having an s in it. Maybe pingaslingadingdong so that when you hit the s the spit can really fly.

Two other words I'd banish are vagina and penis. I'm not sure I'd replace them with any slang counterpart, though cock might be passable, nothing for vagina works in my mind, it all sounds either dropdeaddirty or too clinical. For the moment I'd go with shame1 and shame2 to be used interchangably. That's too heavy handed, isn't it. Let's change it (the penis) to... brongo--kind of masculine, yet silly at the same time. And we'll make the other (vagina) ... pralala--a mix of princess and lalalalala and for some reason I prefer this amalgam.

Some words, of course are just fine with me. Fuck is a fine, fine swear word. Cunnilingus is also very nice because it sounds like it is, and that just tickles the insides so sweetly.

Thank you and have a lovely day.

Monday, December 13, 2004

Sharing Experience

I've learned a few things over my years of marriage, code words that I have worked very hard to figure out that I thought worth mentioning to others so that they can save valuable time.

I'm going to be very busy, so please just try and bear with me. This means no sex. Apparently, as near as I can tell, the first part: I'm going to be very busy, so please just try equals no and the next part: and bear with me equals sex. This is obviously not a literal translation because it's a language that I have not yet mastered, there is no rosetta stone for this confusing language, so if I seem cranky for the next "little while" it's only because I AM.

Friday, December 10, 2004


In the land of the cyclops the unibrow is very sexy.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Circle Jerks

Am I the only man in the world who has not been involved in a circle jerk? More to the point, is there any man in the world who actually has been to a circle jerk? Is it just me or is the thought of standing in a circle with a bunch of guys wacking off neither arrousing (on any level) nor particularly clean?

I'm not a squemish person, but there are a few things that I don't want on my pants or my shoes, one of them is my semen and another, right off the top of my head, is another dude's semen, I've been called a stickler for this, but I'm going to just go with it.

There are so many icky questions I have about this phenom (if it is really a phenom). What do you do're done? Slowly back away? And what do you do if you're the last one jerking? Isn't that kind of "every eye is on you" pressure daunting?

Please let me know if I'm off base here.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Saturday Morning Cartoon Idea

About a Mexican boy and his invisible pony named Licky-Licky-Balls-So-Sticky.

Episode 15

Aliens kidnap my grandpa for interrogation but return him quickly upon realizing that he only has one story and he tells it over and over again.

Grandpa's story collection grows by one after the abduction, muttering: "God-damned aliens."

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Look at my Final Grade

I remember this time in Whore school, I just couldn't pass Blow Job class. No matter what I did, I couldn't get it right, and how the teacher howled at me after every failed attempt.

Finally a friend of mine took me aside and said, "You're the best street-whore I've ever seen. You've got real potential to be the best--better than Ramon, better than Diego, hell even better than yours truly."

I really thought about that and the next day in class I passed my practicals.

Wait, wait, i'm feeling faint!

That one's pretty good! Keep writing...

Hehe, I love it.

Ah, sweet, sweet recognition. Kim and spork have both earned a spot in my third book, something to the tune of: This book would not have been possible without the loving encouragement of the blog community, especially Kim and spork. The only kink in the plan is my wife, who will no doubt want to be listed, as well. People can be so selfish. offer to be listed in my third book is a bit like a beggar offering his millionth dollar. *Sigh* Dare to dream.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Gentle Poke

If I were a proctologist, when giving prostate exams I would always say, "Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit."

Then I'd giggle inside, because, damn, it really does kinda hurt--in a finger in your bumb kind of way.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

A Clarabel

Once there was a man named Power who was married to a woman named Responsibility. The two were separated in a bitter divorce with Responsibility getting the children and Power getting the rifle collection.

Well, Power ran for President of the United states and wouldn't you know it, he won. He still sends child support checks to Responsibility and also sees his kids when he can, but he's pretty busy swinging his dick around.

Saturday, December 04, 2004


Mother will they tear your little boy...apart?
Ooooooooooooh ah
Mother that's a reasty fart.

All my teeth are brown
and my name is Jay

Friday, December 03, 2004

Eat me

i dig the pretty women
just between you and me
in a sandwich
a sex sandwich
for 3

Pass the Pork Chops

I can picture a world where Atkins rules the table, where egg yolk is scooped up with bits of fatty steak and gravy is sopped up with pieces of ham (not honey baked).

In this world, all men remember longingly the erotic suck of a lollipop and all women remember the subtle taste of chocolate.

In this land all are skinny, but the Metameusel Man is king.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

TV Guide Movie of the Weak.

Ken Jennings (from Jeopardy!) takes his first trip to celebrate his winnings. His destination is a remote island in the South Pacific where he runs into a group of natives who eat him. The day he is eaten becomes a national holiday.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Random Thought

A torpedo is a spreader of seamen.

Episode X

Wherein Star Bellied Sneech licenses are presented by lottery and hunters move in and kill most of the adult population. Plain Bellied Sneeches revel in the fact that their social stigma has finally paid off, but the small numbers of Star Bellied Sneeches make them more sought after at parties than ever.