Tuesday, September 25, 2007

.ru = pron

I sometimes think that if you were inclined to make do with a tree in the robust times of life then who am I to say a thing to you, give a tree a romp and I won't be the one to cry foul.

But be warned, there are some who would vouchsafe intervene between you and an idle passion and chop down the very tree of your desire and then you shall be a man without a cunt tree.

I'm sorry for that terrible montage.  

I wasn't going to say nothing at all but Amajinajad drew me out of my silence.

We have so much in common, him and me and I wish that we could find a stable ground on all of our affairs.

He and me both agree about the Jew situation and also about they gays and all manner of things that the damn liberals scoff at and we know to be true in our hearts and in the eyes of Jesus and his best friend the Holy Ghost who can transfigure at will and become invisible and also has a sometimes-death-ray.

Anyway, what I grow to wonder is when we will both agree on the nuking of all of the Arabs back into a fine sheet of glass (this would also include the Jews which is a double benefit but not the Indians because I fear the Indian Navy and the blue god with 8 arms and pointed teeth).

Anyway, Amajinajad, if you can have a conference in Homaha...if you have time in your busy schedule... I can make you some fine rice cakes and tea and we can sit and watch my pron collection and tell stories of great historical hoaxes and baseball and try to get to the page between us.


Your friend,


Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I was cleaning out the garbage disposal and my arm got stuck and it took 20 minutes to grind my hand off but you're happy I freed my arm

You know I eschew politics.  Above all things I'm a simpleton and in politics it shows like bad.  In fact, I wish George had his brother's name--Jed.  That way I could chant, "Give me Jed til I'm dead." Cause that's what I want, four more years, and I know you want that, too.  Unless you're evil.  And stupid and an evil liberal retard from California or Hawaii.

That being said, I saw this clipping on the innernet and I wondered if you saw it.  Here it is in case you didn't read it.

GREENVILLE, S.C. - Republican presidential contender Fred Thompson said Monday that while Osama bin Laden needs to be caught and killed, the terrorist mastermind would get the due process of law.

Anyway, I like it.  Kill the son of a bitch.  But maybe I don't understand what due process is.  Is due process when you take someone to court and then kill them when it's over?  Or is there another due process that I had to learn in school because I'm so confused.

I wonder if he meant do process.  Like do process him with your guns, boys.

That sounds more like it to me.

Anyway, why didn't you tell me the VMAs would be good after 15 straight shitty years?  I really feel bad about you for not telling me and I missed them.

The last time they were good I think it was that I want my MTV video.  Which really deserved to be #1 and still technically should be #1.

Remember how many times I voted for that video?

And it won?

Pretty much you have me to thank for that.


I wonder what you're doing to celebrate the 911.

As for me, I'm going wassailing!  You know how much I love wassail--so much that I had wassailing poison, last year, remember?  Had to get my stomach pumped.

It might be a little early but I think it will be good to show the Muslims that we love Jesus and Christmas and that we aren't afraid to go around singing for booze.

Come along, won't you?

Friday, September 07, 2007

Bears should not hide in trees as it's not safe in there

In a lot of ways left handed golfers have a definite advantage over right handed golfers because they have the power of Satan coursing through their veins.

The demonic power doesn't manifest itself so much on the driving of the ball because that's where Jesus lives...up in the air and sometimes he looks at you from clouds and the angels can guide a ball for right handers but typically they don't.

It's in the short game that the devil can really help out a left handed golfer, particularly in the putting because the devil lives in the center of the earth.

Sometimes the devil (it has been said) will run his finger along the crust of the earth and actually guide a left handed player's ball into the cup because left handers are of him and by him and the devil digs golf, besides.

And that's why Tiger Woods is so good at golf.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Zombie sharks will roam the parks and every day may bite you

Summer is dead, the pools are closed and the flowers smell desperate.

The flowers are dropping petals one by one and it's a reluctant odor but the scent is sweaty desperate.

Especially the annuals who are like the ones who don't know the love of Jesus and burn in hell after a short season (Jews, very small babies, everyone in Africa, etc.)

It's the smell of the breath of an 80 year old man but not quite that bad because old people stink.

Some of them do, anyway.

Stink of death, maybe, I'm not sure because I'm still young and smell like flowers in mid Summer.

But I've decided to start parking in all of the handicapped stalls because those cripples have had it too good for too long.

j/k cripples.  I'm not going to take all your parking places but I can sure tell you that I'm jealous of how close to Wal-Mart you can get while I park way back with the Mexicans.

For Summer being dead it sure is hot in here.