Thursday, November 06, 2008

I got a joey in my stomach and he kicks real bad

Did you ever know anyone who, out of an honest and sincere urge to attract the chicks by pretending to have an open mind to all colors, races and black people... did you ever know anyone who voted for a black socialist thinking, nobody is really gonna vote for a black socialist, right?

And then he couldn't go back in time far enough to undo his vote because his time machine only moved forward at approximately the same time as regular time only over the course of a thousand years a little bit faster?

I knew someone like that once.

Also, I'm going to do something for you which I don't normally do and that's public service announcements.

Dear friends of the innernets,

There is a questionnaire that is going around that isn't a questionnaire at all but really a trick by the liberal media to make you admit that you have a drinking problem that you don't really have because you drink for the fun and cause it takes away the pain and bad thoughts that afflict you, otherwise.

The questionnaire is called the cage questionnaire and it looks simple, but it's so simple that you might actually answer with the truth and then you'll be in AA with the drunks and the drunk drivers and the homeless smokers all sitting around drinking bad coffee out of styrofoam cups, smoking too much and trying to outdo one another with how low did I go addiction stories.

I'll take the alcohol, problem, thank you.

Anyway, I'm going to present to you the questions AND the answers, both the wrong answer and the right answer.  There are four or five questions and I'm sorry it's a little long but if you care about this issue like I do, you'll pay attention.

Please check the one response to each item that best describes how you have felt and behaved over your whole life.

1. Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?

    * Yes
    * No

The correct answer to this is Yes.  The one you need to answer is NO.  In fact, laugh a little when they ask you like... cut down?  I barely drink as it is.  Might as well quit drinking altogether!  LOL!  Like that will happen.  Remember the goal is to keep drinking, not to stop altogether.

2. Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?

    * Yes
    * No

If you're anything like me people annoy you not just by criticizing your drinking but by chewing gum too loudly, getting in front of you when you're driving, wearing socks, talking on those little cell phone things that go in your ear and magically stay there and then talk like they're talking to you but they're really on the phone and you're all, are you talking to me? and you say that in your head and give a puzzled glance but they don't even notice.

So the answer in real life is yes.  Who hasn't annoyed us?

The test answer is NO.

3. Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?

    * Yes
    * No

I feel guilty about everything.  I have this new dog and I got her used, from teh craigslist and I was trying to teach her High Five so she could get along with non caucasians and every time I gave her a high five she'd flinch.  I guess used means abused, these days and I feel guilty about that.  Of course I feel guilty about spending the milk money on vodka, that's a natural and normal feeling to have.  Not one to feel ashamed of.

Correct answer?


4. Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover (eye-opener)?

    * Yes
    * No

I win this one on a technicality.  If you drink all night and in the morning you're still going and then you stop when you'd normally be getting up... then I think you're ok if you get up at 6 PM and THEN have the eye opener.

But the real answer they're looking for is No.

Actually they're looking for yes because then you have to pay to talk about your feelings and why you drink and such.  Saying No will disappoint them but it's in your best interest to say NO.

You might be tempted to say yes to one of them, but I wouldn't.  Saying yes to even one is a red flag.  Saying yes to two is instant and total condemnation.

Have a nice weekend unless I hear from you tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I love you, God

I was just reading the youtubes and someone sent me this one and I was all, yes...the blonde one, bring her to me but wash her, first.  Especially her hands because girls are dirty on their hands and I don't want that, I strive to be clean and here you can watch it if you want.  Really you should.  I did.


Well, to be honest, I watched this one first:

You see, I initially came across this one and I had to shake the unhealthy taste of poverty and despair out of my teefs.

I was all...surfing, click, click omg, noooooooo!  Poverty!  Ick!  Look away!

So then I went to that one ... the 2nd one and I'm all...hmmm, let's see more of this. 

Then I'm thinking about bjs from this lady and her ass going and then she's talking about Palin and the two things start clashing.  In one court is a soothing bj from a hot dum girl and in the other court is a shrill dumb girl saying on and on about dum things and I say to myself, "Keep it cool, Ho.  Keep it cool."

So then I imagine in the bj court me saying softly, "Shhh, shhh, save your politics for after the bj.  We'll get a nice coffee and we'll talk about how you're right about the politics.  After you hand me three tissues.  Then the politics.  For now, the bjs.  First thing's first.  Ahhhh, that's better."

And that works for awhile but the other court gets louder and louder and I can't help it but in the bj court I'm kicking her off my lap and screaming GET OUT.  GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SLAVE PENS.  I WILL HAVE NO MORE BJS FROM YOU, DUMB BLONDE GIRL.

And she's scrambling for her clothes and now it's just politics everywhere and my swoled rod is now gasping for blood and almost dying and I'm considering dialing 911.

So, yeah.

Bjs and politics don't mix.

Unless you're getting one from that cripple girl from facts of life when you can't understand what she's saying anyway.  Mmmm, facts of life bjs.


What I meant to say was that I was reading up on the Jesus principles today over lunch as is my wont.  Going through the periodicals and I came upon one and it was already colored and I was so damn mad.  It's like when you do those puzzles where you have to find the hidden things and some dullard got there and circled them in dark pencil and found them all and you look at it and you say, yes, there's the hatchet.  So easy.  There's the indian.  I could have found that so fast.

But inside your heart is breaking, that's how sad you are because you wanted to find the indian and the hatchet and the ubiquitous sailboat.

That's how sad you are.

Here's the picture, of course the dinosaur is green, I guess people don't read the great literature like Jurrasic Park no more.

I can just picture our lord and savior gallivanting about the desert on a triceratops, can't you?  God I bet he gave the jews hell, bouncing into their front lines on a T-rex.  You just get a sense that if he wouldn't have drove that donkey into Jerusalem when the Jews jacked him, had he been on the T-Rexicon?  Totally different.  Rexicon, ride!  Tonight, we dine on Jew!  Like from that movie the 300 when that dead greek says, tonight we dine in hell but in a magic Jesus voice and the thunder cracks and Rexicon's eyes are suddenly red and steam from the nose.

God that would be a good movie.

The last part I must admit some shame to thinking... But I was continuing my Jesus studies and I saw this one and immediately I thought of 9 thousand things but the first was, "What else can you stick in there?"

The second thing was that movie where the guy is attached to his evil dwarf brother and carries him around on the box and I wish that had been the first thing but it was the second.

Note to self, if Jesus shows me his open, gaping wounds, feel free to jam my dirty fingers into it.

God, I love you.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

doctirine is a hard word to spell

Where do people get there energy, I can't even get out of bed proper.

My neighbor is sawing away on the saw tools, smacking at the earth with his tiller and curbs so the grass don't come over -- stays in its place and it fucks up my nap, I guess I can tell you that much.

Don't get me wrong but the mother fucker could do that at a decent time instead of my nap time which is when he deliberately done it to spite me.

That was yesterday, so-called all hallows.

Today it was some other hummy device that puked stink noise into my house right at nap time and my dogs don't like it either, they bark.

I should kill him.

But, I probably won't.

I celebrated October ending with the thought of another month and I didn't kill noone yet.  Not that I ever killed noone but I guess you could call that a suspended amount of good news, like I never been raped before and I have never raped noone, either. 

But you never know.  I could be raped any day.  Some dude comes up to you and bam, raped.  Happens every day.

Did you see that Whoopie was on the View, now?  I just seen that, too.

Did you see the big V on the View?  You think that stands for a vaginar?  I think so too.

Not that I'd fuck any of those women on the view, especially not that brown haired, liberal troll from under the bridge who's always scowling and who quit.  I wouldn't fuck her to save the universe from communism, that's for sure.  Maybe that's her plan.  Rosie, that's the name.  Rosie Odonawlds.

I guess I'd fuck that crazy republican Hasslebacks.  But it wouldn't last, noone can match my conservatism.  She would grow fearful of my devotion and eventually scab off.

They all do.

I was going to vote today but then I thought, why should i?

I guess I can't get past the idea that we're losing George.

Remember when I suggested a 3rd term?  Well, I guess the liberal media talked him out of running or something because it looks like there will be no 3rd term unless the takes over America by force and I will fight in that freedom's army, you can bet I will.

And what's all this about the Bush doctrine?  Why does that matter if you know it or don't know it?

I certainly don't know it.  You are not alone, Sarah Palin, I didn't even know he had a doctrine.  Maybe Chaney pushed it on him, I don't know.

You ask those fuckers in the middle east if they know the Bush doctrine, I bet you can guess they have a good idea of what points 1 through 11 are.

You go ask those fuckers and then you come back and tell to me about the Bush doctrine and I will drive you around in my Orange Camaro, all around Omaha showing you the sights and we'll drink beer and drive and you will tell me all that you learned and at the end?  I'll turn to you?  And kiss you right on the mouth.

And maybe it's the kiss of death and maybe it's the kiss of life and I can't dedicate to that right now because I aint heard your side.

Plus I always check the mail when I come in the house.  Even if I checked it before because you never know.  Even if I got mail out of it 10 minutes ago, if I go by it, I have to peep at it.

Sure I'm wondering if it's rigged to explode and kill me.  A furtive glance.

How can you prove that it isn't rigged.

In quantum science there could be a bomb in all of our mail slots which is why I say no.  To science.  Fuck bombs in my mail, give me prayer and I'll pray that no bombs get in there.

All of this I wanted to say in October.

And more.

But my fucking napping was innerupted by lawn trimmy.

Ok, I'm off to vote and drink vodka cheering the polls.

I hope Ohio doesn't fuck it up, this time.

Fucking Ohio.

Fucking Idaho.