Thursday, November 06, 2008

I got a joey in my stomach and he kicks real bad

Did you ever know anyone who, out of an honest and sincere urge to attract the chicks by pretending to have an open mind to all colors, races and black people... did you ever know anyone who voted for a black socialist thinking, nobody is really gonna vote for a black socialist, right?

And then he couldn't go back in time far enough to undo his vote because his time machine only moved forward at approximately the same time as regular time only over the course of a thousand years a little bit faster?

I knew someone like that once.

Also, I'm going to do something for you which I don't normally do and that's public service announcements.

Dear friends of the innernets,

There is a questionnaire that is going around that isn't a questionnaire at all but really a trick by the liberal media to make you admit that you have a drinking problem that you don't really have because you drink for the fun and cause it takes away the pain and bad thoughts that afflict you, otherwise.

The questionnaire is called the cage questionnaire and it looks simple, but it's so simple that you might actually answer with the truth and then you'll be in AA with the drunks and the drunk drivers and the homeless smokers all sitting around drinking bad coffee out of styrofoam cups, smoking too much and trying to outdo one another with how low did I go addiction stories.

I'll take the alcohol, problem, thank you.

Anyway, I'm going to present to you the questions AND the answers, both the wrong answer and the right answer.  There are four or five questions and I'm sorry it's a little long but if you care about this issue like I do, you'll pay attention.

Please check the one response to each item that best describes how you have felt and behaved over your whole life.

1. Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?

    * Yes
    * No

The correct answer to this is Yes.  The one you need to answer is NO.  In fact, laugh a little when they ask you like... cut down?  I barely drink as it is.  Might as well quit drinking altogether!  LOL!  Like that will happen.  Remember the goal is to keep drinking, not to stop altogether.

2. Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?

    * Yes
    * No

If you're anything like me people annoy you not just by criticizing your drinking but by chewing gum too loudly, getting in front of you when you're driving, wearing socks, talking on those little cell phone things that go in your ear and magically stay there and then talk like they're talking to you but they're really on the phone and you're all, are you talking to me? and you say that in your head and give a puzzled glance but they don't even notice.

So the answer in real life is yes.  Who hasn't annoyed us?

The test answer is NO.

3. Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?

    * Yes
    * No

I feel guilty about everything.  I have this new dog and I got her used, from teh craigslist and I was trying to teach her High Five so she could get along with non caucasians and every time I gave her a high five she'd flinch.  I guess used means abused, these days and I feel guilty about that.  Of course I feel guilty about spending the milk money on vodka, that's a natural and normal feeling to have.  Not one to feel ashamed of.

Correct answer?


4. Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover (eye-opener)?

    * Yes
    * No

I win this one on a technicality.  If you drink all night and in the morning you're still going and then you stop when you'd normally be getting up... then I think you're ok if you get up at 6 PM and THEN have the eye opener.

But the real answer they're looking for is No.

Actually they're looking for yes because then you have to pay to talk about your feelings and why you drink and such.  Saying No will disappoint them but it's in your best interest to say NO.

You might be tempted to say yes to one of them, but I wouldn't.  Saying yes to even one is a red flag.  Saying yes to two is instant and total condemnation.

Have a nice weekend unless I hear from you tomorrow.