Friday, December 30, 2005

For new years tell the Japs it's a new year

Sometimes I ponder the movie Risky Business and I often think to myself that it shouldn't have been Tom Cruise who became a huge superstar, it should have been his good friend Booger.

I kinda think it's unfair of Tom to use his galactic powers to keep Booger down.

Plus if I had cosmic powers I would not make Katie Holm to by my love thrall. I'd pick Booger.

It's sad that Tom's a homo and can't show his true feelings. We're there for you, Tom. Choose Booger.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Burn my eyes, burn my eyes, burn them, please

What most don't know is the sids is like the aids but in baby form.

It tends to kill many of the babies who would, if let to grow older, turn out to be homos or serial killers or Mexicans.

It's really God's plan and is a part of the "original sin."

Original sin comes from when the penis goes into the vagina and we should teach it in schools so the kids learn how not to turn out pregnant and full of sins. It can also come from putting the penis anywhere except where it should go. The only problem is that penis can be very tricky and sneaky and they often wander.

So that's what the sids is. Baby aids. It's bad but it's necessary.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Bumbles bounce

My three favorite words in this order: vagina, angina and regina.

The first is self-evident. The other two I'm not so sure what they mean but they have a ring to them that fascinates me.

I wish there were such a word as hamgina. I would nosh at it regularly.

If a hamgina also served vodka that wouldn't be such a bad thing--but from the spigot, not the cup. Important distinction that bears mentioning.

Nice job, Jews. Nosh. That was a good word. Well done.

Also, nice job blacks for the word Kwanzaa, whatever the fuck that word means. I guess it's Kwanzaa as I type this. What a great holiday where people can sit around and... well, talk about how great it is to be black. I especially like the part where no presents are exchanged. That will make it very popular with the little ones. Yeah, that was a terrific brainstorm Dr. Maulana Karenga.

I hope to one day be a doctor and make a white Kwanzaa but I would call it...something else. You Mexicans should do the same thing.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

This is the week you can smell my stink

I'll bet a fun thing to do in space is to turn the lights down real low, just so you can see the stars in the distance and not much else in the cabin.

Then to strip down to just your whitest undershirt and your fanciest underpants, be they les blancs or the loose leisures is of no real consequence.

Then to furiously masturbate before the crew-mates come in, because it's not as lonely in space as you might imagine.

For the final step of the fun to holler out, "Quickly, come in here! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Then the laughter as they come into the dark room with your semen flying around the cabin randomly hitting their face and hands.

Oh, the giggles from you could be heard even to Mars. Even to Venus. Even, dare I say... Uranus.

Sadly it's a joke that would not be appreciated by all members involved. Unless you're in space with the homos. They love the rare bit of spunk on the tip of the nose. I'm told.

Monday, December 26, 2005

I'll stab you till you're dead. If you're lucky.

Sometimes I wish I had the power to control brains. Probably the first thing I would to would be to control that girl from that Vampire slayer show and have her fuck a certain Ho into a blissful state of sweet relief.

After the initial flush I would marry this sad Ho, though of course I would demand a pre-nup. You can never be too sure, these days when a man loves you versus when he just wants a quick fuck and 1/2 the bank.

We would live in such a state of happy love with him paying special attention to me, getting flowers and other such fine things that a man will give his new bride.

Then when I caught him cheating on me for the forth or fifth time I would leave that bastard.

I would be sad. As only a woman who makes such a terrible mistake marrying someone named Ho could be. But a girl has certain emotions that must be flexed.

I'd move on. But I'd never find such delight again.

Though at least I'd have my millions.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Merry Xmas, Jew!

I have several things to get off my chest as I'll be on holiday for a few days.

Let us call the first thing, your mom. Get her off. She's heavy and I'm done with her. Tell her it's time to go.

Let us call the second thing WTF were you thinking canceling HNT?

Where will I get to see the boobs with the nipples blacked out? Where will I get to see the 800 comments that say Happy HNT! Where will I get these things, now? Who didn't stop to think of the most important person? Me. Out of defiance I shall show you a picture (in ascii) of my half-nude ass: (o). The sphincter is distended from years of misuse, I'm sorry.

Let us call the third thing my next great invention which I invented last night and you probably have already.

I created, I am loathe to call it a cure for cancer, instead I shall call it a cancer for cancer.

That's right, I invented a cancer for cancer. It will eventually kill you, but I can't wait to see the look on smug cancer's face when it finds out that it has cancer. It is spread like the aids. From unpure thoughts and toilets and gay sex, but not lesbo sex. Gay homo sex. The bad kind.

I may be back before Kwanzaa. I may not. I have a lot of corn to shuck before then.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Gil-Gilad in the springtime is one of the finest things

Two things.

I'll bet having a testicle ruptured feels very bad. Even when you put the words ruptured and testicle together like that...even then it causes me some discomfort. Ruptured teste. Even when you say that gay word teste. Ruptured zygote is not as offensive. Let's all change to ruptured zygote. Can we?

Also, I have converted my car from a traditional gas guzzling vehicle to a faith based car! I now get infinity miles to the gallon and at times, Jesus really is my co-pilot as I pray for a refill.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Jew things

Two things.

One. The paper here had the following headline: Bush: No Fast Pullout. I find that this is one of the few times our President and I are in agreement.

Two. If someone had a vagina for a nose it would still be rude to call them cunt-face. Or even to say their breath smelled like cunt.

Even if it's true doesn't make it ok to say. Learn from me people. Don't repeat my mistakes.

Also. Cuntface or cunt-face? I'm kinda not liking the hyphen in there.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Thin crust is better because it's skinny

I think an idea that I had that would really improve the image of crack houses would be if they had a place for the kids to play.

If I had a crack house I'd put a playground in it so that the crack whores had a place to put their kids while they smoked crack. There would, of course, be a few simple rules as we live in a rule-based society and also, rules are the hallmark of the crack population.

No pooping in the ball pit.

Or peeing.

No midgets pretending to be kids.

No homos unless accompanied by a hetero Caucasian man.

Things like that.

Just a small list of reasonable rules.

I would call it Playland. If McDonald's tried to sue me, I'd shoot that fucking clown dead. BLAM BLAM BLAM. Three to his ugly clown mouth.

Him and his Burger King clown lover. Both dead.

That Burger King clown ever peeps into my window? There's trouble. Kids or no, we're gonna throw.

No one would prosecute me either. It's perfectly legal to shoot clowns. De facto if not de jure.

Friday, December 16, 2005

C is for Christian who lives in a tree

I'm sorry Jews. I've been very tough on you the last few days. I'll soon move on to the blacks or the Mexicans or the gays or the Catholics. But not just yet.

Today marks the first day of Hanukkah. A term which the Jews also confusingly call Chanukah.

The literal translation for Hanukkah is, OMG, we just killed God's son. Now Santa Claus won't visit us and our kids will have to play with dreidels instead of the x-box 360!

Chanukah's an event where the Jews burn candles and sharpen their horns over the course of 18 days and end it finally on the day of our Lord's birth with sacrificing goats and going out for pizzas.

Don't knock it till you try it.

Also...I was thinking... isn't it just the most ironic thing that Jesus died just when the days started getting longer? Jesus has great if his birth was the allegorical birth of Spring.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The center of hell is cold. I seen it.

I plucked out my one critical eye, last night...just like that Jap did to blonde Darryl Hannah in Kill Bill and now I see things so clearly!

Guys, Jesus is the son of God! Jesus is also God! The Holy Spirit is also God! See? See how they're three but they're also one? But they're also three and the Holy Spirit can visit you? It's so clear to me now!

And science? Why are you trying to ruin the party? Some things just are because that's how they are written. I wish you could experience what I'm seeing. So clear.

On a different note. I'll bet the Jews were very surprised at how easy it was to kill the son of God. Weekend project, really. A few nails...a few boards...done. I dream of the rood.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

My face has become so pretty

As an update on my health situation. I have decided to live forever and as such I replaced all of my lysine with a newer, fancier molecule that I'll call lazine.

What the lazine does if I can put it into laymen's terminology so as to spare you the hard part of thinking is to actually slow down cell respiration by convincing it into looking at boobs all day on the internet rather than doing what it should be doing.

With the energy saved from the pesky creb cycle I have decided to actually store that up and turn it into holy power with which I can actually extend my life well into the next 2 or 3 hundred years.

I discovered how to do this by reading the Bible. In the chapter about Methuselah he talks about it a little bit.

Nice job, Jews.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

One P in Penis

I think it's very sad when rappers fill out resumes and go to jail for writing raper instead of rapper.

It's an honest mistake, the government.

Or when they type wrapper for what they do and all the people mock them for such bad redacting.

It's an honest mistake, the people.

Also? Aslan dies in that Narnia movie. Gets stabbed in the bum like the homos.

Also? Kong dies in that Kong movie. Falls from a building.

Also? The Titanic sinks in that Titanic movie. Hits a thing. Cube. Big ice cube.

I just spoiled 3 things for you. I'm sorry but my impish nature got the better of me, today.

Monday, December 12, 2005

It's that Kwanza feeling that gets me out of bed

The newest evil villain on the block? Redactor. Emphasis is on tor. RedacTOR. I know that's obvious but my retard brother occasionally listens to this site with one of those internet retard readers for the blind and I needed to explain that. For the retard reader.

Redactor's evil power is the ability to rewrite history to serve his own evil purpose.

Currently behind the rumors that there was an Holocaust to drum up sympathy for the Jews.

We're not buying it, Redactor. Fool us once? Shame on Jew. Fool us twice? Shame on Jew.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Cold Confusion

I am sorry to report that I drank your share of vodka.

Friday, December 09, 2005


The people who enjoy the flavor of butterscotch tend to work in the skankiest of whorehouses. Wintergreen, on the other hand, is acceptable and those people end up doing pretty well.

Most men wonder what it would be like to bed me. Some will never know.

There is an inverse relationship between people who use the term inverse relationship and being cool. As one tends toward use of the term they tend away from being cool. There are rare and obvious exceptions to the rule.

I am swifter of foot than most cripples. does exist but does not (as one would suppose) cater to Hampires.

All pilots are closet homosexuals. This is news to no one but it's important that it gets said. Some would say news to noone but they are retards.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Baby Jesus has a palor of daffodils

Baby Jesus drives around the universe in a shiny, copper spaceship.

It's baby sized and has a glass dome to keep the air in so he doesn't get the SIDS.

Mounted on the side are the giant lazers to shoot down the enemy's UFOs that are always gunning for the lord of lights.

Baby Jesus loves haikus and sometimes feels that the 575 pattern is too confining.

Baby Jesus is strong for a baby because he died for you. Just like Harry Potter's mom. That gives you strength and also makes you a very strong wizard.

Baby Jesus thinks that dress makes you look fat. Baby Jesus can be so cruel.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Jews in Space

I think that one way to fix the zombie problem would be to send them into space.

Zombies have well established issues with zero gravity.

Forget the fast zombie, slow zombie debate. Just forget it.

A zombie in space will still want brains, sure, but they don't know enough to push off from a wall to jet over to you.

Don't try to steal this idea. I have already registered it with the idea police.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Hell is hot in the summer but the winter makes up for it

When I go to hell I really hope I get to sit in the homo section.

I shall say to all of the new homos who come in daily from their sins of putting the penis in the dirty highway, "if you suck my dick I'll let you fuck me in the ass."

After the sucking I will look at them and say, "silly homo. You should never give the bj before the poking."

And in that way I will teach the homos how scary a place hell can be. It's a hard lesson but that's how we, as a holy species, learn the really good ones.

Monday, December 05, 2005

This one...kinda long

This weekend while perusing the stacks of my local library I made a terrible discovery. A discovery so terrible that I am loathe to publish my findings as it may give the pernicious little petty ideas to do in their own libraries.

However, because I love Science and Jesus I must reveal the facts to the people.

Whilst perusing the Grisham novels to see how many more fucking lawyer books he can make I came across the Bible. I can only assume that it was placed there under G to appease the perverse humor of those god damned librarians. G for God. G for Good.

It would have been one thing to have placed that Jew book the Old Testament under fiction. I would have appreciated that bit of humor. It's not fiction but it can be safely ignored. Except the stuff about the homos. That's all true. Get ready for hell homos. H is for homo who lives in a tree. H is for hell and that's where you'll be.

So what to do about this... Is the question. I was going to just recategorize it under Religion or non-fiction but then the truth hit me that these librarians would just do it again. When my back is turned.

So I decided I have to kill them like you would a doctor at an abortion clinic who keeps killing the babies. Then run directly to the deep south and eat Spam. With the Ku Klux Klan.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Yesterday I can be excused as I have a note

The best thing about unintentional vomiting is that later in the day when you step on the scale you find that you're one pound prettier.

No matter what you try to eat, it won't stay down. And it's not even by force, this time. It's excusable and your pale pallor shows off the blue eyes and your skinny svelte body glows with a fever.

And you're turning away from that fat boy to the sick, skinny boy and that bodes well for a happy new year.