Thursday, September 29, 2005

Fun Facts!

Of which there are three fun things about me that no one knows! I chose the number three because God loves the number very much. It is a holy number and it's why he had the holy ghost and Jesus brought into the world.

The Jews don't think it's a fun number, though, because they killed Jesus. Way to go, Jews. They prefer the number 666 because they have no souls! They are also very good at numbers and math which is why they are all rich!

Fact number 1: I'm actually an 8 year old black girl from Manitoba! My mom just found this site and is very angry and I may not be able to continue my writings. I know, we'll all be very sad for this. Yes, cry but not too much. Don't cry for me, Kentucky.

Fun fact number 2: I'm not really an 8 year old black girl from Manitoba but a convicted sex offender spending time in the Federal prison in Wyoming! I take my library breaks to blog on the internet! I'm also making a shiv out of Gulliver's Travels.

Fun fact number 3: The other night, I may have yelled into a crowded room of strangers, "Do you want to see my penis?" Of all the people in the room...there were no takers but I did offend someone's mom and brother!

Repent, Jew. God will love you, maybe another day.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

It's Wednesday, everybody!

I got a job today and it was a hand job! Self-administered.

Some call it masturbation but I call it masturcation! To know one's body is to know God. But to wipe one's fluids from one's body is not! That's the part of masturcation that I hate the most.

Is it Tuesday? What day is it?

I want everyone to know that I have inserted one of those anti-rape devices into my anus. It has been in there for 2 or three days right now and it's very uncomfortable!

The little stabby points are poking into my rectum and causing no small amount of bleeding!


But if you were going to come and give me a blow job that would still be ok. But if you poke your finger into my bum for extra excitement (probing for the male G Spot) you will receive quite a shock! A pierced finger that will soon get infected with the fecal bacterium!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Bad News

Bad news? Try worst news ever. OMG the government is trying to shutdown the Stargate program! They are so greedy for power, you know that's why they're doing this thing.

Don't the senators understand that without SG-1 the Gooahhhooolds would invade earth and turn us into their thralls?

Tell them, Daniel Jackson! Explain to them the threat.

Tell them Teeullkh. Use that gold disk in the middle of your forehead and beam logic into their hearts!

Tell them, Samantha Carter! Explain to them how you guys stopped the Gooahhhooolds from taking over the earth that one time in every episode!

Tell them Colonel O'Neal. Tell them that it's a big mistake.

I am scared for humanity. I'm thinking of going to Colorado Springs to see if I can help with the big mess this crazy senator is making.

Monday, September 26, 2005

In with the new. Get the gone, old

I introduced my kids to their new step mom, this weekend, and she's a sex doll! Really, she finds that name offensive (sex doll) and would prefer to be called That Slut Tina or just Tina. Either way.

I got that Hustler model--the one who is always on her knees? The kids really liked that because she was eye level for them and she didn't intimidate them AT ALL.

Tina was very nervous meeting her new kids and was silent throughout which is ok. She shows her love in other ways.

The meeting went very well except when my oldest tried to put his finger into her mouth. I had to scold him. I said, "That's not for you, that mouth is for daddy."

Before you worry about me, I want you to know that she does tip back into the missionary position style (my favorite) and she does have a rubber vagina, not just a gaping maw.

That bitch better have dinner done when I get home.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Sometimes Friday will look out for you if you look out for her

Several things, today:

Mermaids cannot reproduce because they don't have vaginas! I've seen them in pictures and I always look in the special place but their legs are welded together by some kind of scaley substance. Poor mermaids.

India has been coming on to me very hard the last several days. Asking for dates, offering hand jobs, but I keep saying no because I'm holding out for a certain country in Europe. Dear India, I'll sue you for sexual harassment if you keep this up.

Finally, the black people and the Mexicans need to move from their ghettos. I know they like it there, but seriously... there are drugs and violence that I've seen on the news. Black people and Mexicans...please move for your own safety.

Please rest, this weekend. Recover from this cold you're catching. Love yourself. Lots.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I'm in the news!

Not much angers me, but bombs? Don't get me started. I am angry. Very angry. This whole bomb situation...anger. Deep, dread anger. If my anger were a color right now it would be the angry color red. It wouldn't explode, though. It would kill you by poison.

Fuck bombs.

I almost did an audio post so you could hear how angry I am. But I was too angry to figure out the new technology. The wizardry of "the nets."

Here's an ascii picture showing how angry I am:

................................AND BOMBS...........................................

Just kidding. Ascii pictures suck and I'm too angry right now to think about ascii.

Also, if you look closely you'll see my prehensile penis coloring the newspaper in a pretty semen yellow. Painting is our hobby.

Geography for Retards (me)

Well, it finally happened...the Bush administration contacted me to write some jingles for them.

Apparently, they've been having a real hard time with the people from North Korea (where the Japs live). The North Koreans (who are the evil ones, unlike the well meaning southern Japs) have been trying to build nuclear bombs to shoot at America.

When I heard they were trying to shoot us nuclear style I waved my customary fee and offered to do it for free. I said, "Normally, Ho doesn't work for free. Today, Bushie...I'm free for America."

He wants a status report and I have to tell's not going well. I have a few slogans, but they're just not very catchy. Here they are:

1.) Hey, Japs...why don't you eat some sushi instead of messing with Texas?

2.) People don't like girls (Japs) who are good at math (making bombs).

3.) No nukes for gooks!

So I'm meeting with Condi in a few days to go over my progress. I hope she likes me. I really do.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Got a finger needs pullin

All blondes are so stupid but they're all sluts so that makes their dumbness ok. To be called a dumb blonde slut when you're blonde is one of the highest compliments.

The reverse is true for brunettes, they are frigid but very crafty. Males with brown hair are known to all be homos. If they say that it's sandy blonde then they're homo with a side of homo and a dash of homo ketchup.

Never marry a blonde because her slutty past will follow you like a fecal shadow. Also never marry a brunette. Also never marry a homo unless you live in Canada because it's illegal.

Blonde men are thought to be pretty cool. Sure they pay their bills late but because of their relaxed demeanor the bill company laughs at the latency.

Monday, September 19, 2005

My second book is on its way to the publisher

I have just finished my most recent book and I'll tell you that I feel great. I spent all weekend for an hour or possibly more scribing my next best seller though I may have copyright problems with the title: Anal for Dummies.

The concept is relatively complex for a Dummies book. It's a flip book containing in one half for the men and on the other half for the ladies.

The book is written as a series of FAQs that I've had or someone has asked me about anal. Here's an excerpt (the entire book).

Q: Where does the dick go?
A: Where the poop comes out.

Q: Will it hurt?
A: Sure, but not you.

Q: Can I get the AIDS from this?
A: Are you a homo?

The women's section is much more complicated. I had to put myself into the mind-set of a woman and how it must feel to have something poked up in there. Sadly, I don't have the imagination required so the 2nd half isn't as valuable as the first.

Q: Where does the dick go?
A: Shhhh, just lay back and I'll do all the work.

Q: Will it hurt?
A: Nah, baby, it'll be over before you know it.

Q: Can I get the AIDS?
A: OH, SO NOW YOU'RE A LAWYER? this is the entire book. Please buy it, though, when you see it in the bookstores and libraries because my greatest dream is to live off of the hard work of others.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Poetry Friday

remember the tampons
with the coarse little strings
and the pretty young girls
who cried at the rich
red fingers and dirty
little secrets?

I had a picture for this with a girls arms covered in blood but I just can't find it. So picture a girl whose arms are covered in blood and she's crying but in her tears you can see a glint of joy at having a secret that none will know.

and because I love you...a free haiku:

this is a haiku
in the middle it's longer
at the end it's short.

Go forth and make babies.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I never rubbed my cock on a furry pelt. Ever. But I would if you asked nicely.

I would never poke a clitoris with the sharp end of a compass (mathematical). Not even to see what's inside that little puffy sack. Not even for that.

But I am curious, aren't you? I'll bet if you poked at the thin skin long enough a miniature bunny would pop out and try and hop away.

You'd have to be very careful. You'd need someone there to catch the bunny so that it didn't escape so that you could push it back into the little fleshy sack.

I'd never look though.

I'll bet it would hurt like hell, but I'll bet that miniature bunny sure is cute. But I'll bet it's black and sex.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I'll have a red day, thank you

I dressed in all red today, blood red. I tell everyone that my Wednesday name is Vagina Charlie with On The Rag in parens.

I tell them this with my waving eyebrows and subtle, sly winks. Vagina Charlie (On The Rag).

Sadly, the red is more of a maroon color which isn't quite the blood red I was trying to pull off so the people are calling me Maroon Goon...behind my back.

They don't think that I can hear them but I have a kind of spider sense that lets me hear the bad things people say (or think) about me.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Hold my cock while I sing you a song

I have a baby growing inside me and it's a tumor!

The doctors all say he's benign but I think he's beautiful, belicious and benignant.

He wants to create a playground inside me with 100 of his best friends but I keep him in stern check with health food and prayer!

When I finally deliver him I'm going to eat his little body like a pile of stringy hashed browns.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Yes, I will have cream with that

I have a confession to make. I have been cheating on my loyal coffee shop.

It started out simply enough. I just wanted to sample a new blend. Is that so wrong? I wanted a Sumatra or a dark roast. Why should I drink Folgers every day when I can get a taste of Gold Coast?

The plan was just to take one cup. One cup and then I would go back to the loyal coffee shop. And that's what happened. One cup. I even went to the loyal cafe twice that day to let them know how much I was into them.

But I just couldn't get Gold Coast out of my head. I started sneaking there more and more, blowing off the loyal cafe, making excuses (I'll be working late, I'm trying to cut down, etc. etc.)

I realized today that it's been a week since I've been to Loyal. Gold Coast every day. I know I should break it off but I'm afraid of the pain.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

A Bee has pwnt me in the bum (anally)

And it hurts rill bad. It snuck up on me with a gentle buzz and a bzzz...bzzz...zzzz...zz bzz zzzz then go louder until suddenly bzzpwnt!

Then I'll swear as it died (its guts spilling out on my skin) it buzzed out, "You suxors!!!! LOL!!!"

He looked a lot like this irl.

Hey, Darwin, blow me.

I sucked a dick for a tank of gas, yesterday--which is pretty normal because my car is powered by semen--not actually the white stuff, but the little dudes inside of semen. The dudes that make the semencicles so tasty. Little...semen dudes is how we referred to them in science class when I got my Science major in homorology.

How does it work? Well I'd like to tell you magic because that would not offend God and the Catholics and the Jews's actually science!

I have built a series of several small treadmills that serve as an engine.

Down the fuel pipe (where I dump all the semen) is a list of posters showing skinny semen and loudspeakers blaring, "No one likes fat, ugly semen. Like you."

This is where the science comes into play, are you listening, Kansas? They EVOLVE into fat conscious consumers. I feed them only big macs like that dipshit who did that silly movie and they get fat. As they get fat I show them pictures of skinnier and skinnier people causing them to hit the treadmills harder and harder.

Eventually they all get tired and die which requires a constant supply of semen.

FYI, xtianity, I'm working on a faith powered car but I'll be fucked if I can't get it right. I'm missing just one detail or two, maybe I'll get back to it after a nap.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

A day with me and the animals...again.

There are so many squirrels in Omaha but there are two that I have a special fondness for. I don't know their names but in my mind I refer to them as Reefer and Squalene because he's slow and kind and thoughtful and she's like a hurricane running around fetching nuts. It's crazy. They're crazy!!!!! OMG, THEY'RE SO EFFIN CRAXORS!!! I digress.

I'm happy to share the good news of their marriage earlier in the year...just this spring they tied the knot. It was time, they were getting serious and now they'll probly have kids soon. Also, good news! No Monkeypox! The Monkeypox can really be bad to the squirrel. Here's a picture or two.

Aren't they so cute!!??

Here is the minister. He looks so funny with his little bible! I hope he's Catholic so they don't burn in hell with the Jews and the homos.

Anyway, it just does my heart so good to see this little couple running around and storing up for winter.

Their lives were so happy and they had such good things going for them until last week. Let me pause a moment while I cry.

Well, last week another squirrel came, here's a picture or two of the new squirrel.

This new squirrel, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, he's such a looter! I chase him around with a broom but he's so fast, he's too fast for me! He runs like the wind with his stash of nuts and I'll never catch him in a million, billion, zillion years.

Please send the National Guard when you can...this is beyond me.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Me and Silky

Ok, so I broke down. I didn't want to do it but I did. I went to the pound this weekend and got a golden-white standard poodle. I call her silky white or just silky when I'm feeling sexy.

She's the sweetest dog, and so smart. I'll bet she would do very well on the SATs but I think I won't have her as a show dog, just a sweet poodle to keep me company on the long winter nights of Omaha. Speaking of Omaha I'm thinking of moving to New York so that the people start taking me seriously but that's neither here...nor there.

I don't like to compare my dogs, but she's a lot smarter than that black lab, old-what's-his-name.

She does jump up a bit and also takes a nibble from the bounteous steaks on the counter but only when I don't refill the dog bowl immediately, which is what any of us would do, so I can't feel too bad about it.

I was going to try and keep Looter around but silky-white was definitely afraid that she was going to be murdered or mugged or raped so Looter had to go.

I'm feeling a little guilty about what I had to do to Looter and I'm praying that God will understand but just in case I'm going to go down and get some confession done so I'll be square with him once again.

I think I'll take silky as it's a nice day and we can both use a walk.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Well, it's Saturday now

I don't know what I'm going to do with my little black Lab. I don't want to kill her or send her to the shelter but it might just happen.

Last night I was cooking some steaks--which is what I eat every night because I hate cows--and I stepped away briefly to refill my cup of cow blood...I couldn't have been gone more than a minute.

Well, when I got back...there she was...looting the steaks from the counter.

She tried to play it cool when she saw me but it was pretty clear what she was doing. Now I watch her with all my valuables, I just can't trust her, you know?

Without trust, what is there?

Friday, September 02, 2005

Cancer horse cancer

I sometimes wish that I was a pony so that I could bite the people who annoy me. Ponies have very sharp teeth in the back of their mouths and the front teeth are flat and hard and powerful and also covered in germs that will infect the skin and give you cancer if you don't wash quickly.

I would lure the person into my lair by batting my black, evil eyes at them and giving an eerie whiney like those horses like to do. I would suggest that they put a saddle on my back and mount me. I would then rub my big, ugly horse-head in their direction. When they tried to stroke my dangerous and hiddeous face...BITE!

First with the back toofs and then with the front so they get the cancer ... assuming they don't wash quickly enough.

If I particularly didn't like the person I would then turn around, drop a steaming load (cause that's what horses like to do) and then deliver a powerful kick with my well-muscled and dangerous horse-legs. Both of them at once. Like in that movie Gus.

Here...let me just show you, that's easier.