Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I got a friend in Idaho and he assures me it's Iowa but I ain't too sure

God do I have a spate of bad news to deliver you.  I been saving it up so that I could get three things because bad news travels in 3s.

First thing is this:  http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080610/ap_on_sc/indonesia_fishing_macaques;_ylt=Ardndtve52QDZERVnCoeFvCs0NUE

In case you're like me and don't read the news much I'll just tell you the headline:   Scientists find monkeys who know how to fish.

That's right, those fucking monkeys are at it again.  I'm not sure why they don't just order the robots to get the fish...maybe it's the short circuiting issues involved in electricity and water and then the brain wave patterns must go swervy.  That's probably it.

So now the monkeys are stealing our food supplies and killing our fish friends and you don't do nothing about it because you love monkeys so much.  Don't cry to me when you're covered in monkey dungs.

The second bit of bad news is that in addition to hating America and being a Muslim, Barak Obama isn't even a black.  Apparently he's a white man with black makeup.  They used to do that in the old days and then sing and dance and it looks like the past is coming back to haunt us in the future.  Just like that movie.

This is not a rumor it's fact.  Please don't try and refute it, cosmonauts.  Take it back to space with you, serious.

And the final bit of bad news is that Heidi Montag is finally going to marry Spenser!  LOL THAT'S ACTUALLY GOOD NEWS, AND I'M SO HAPPY FROM THIS GOOD NEWS.

The bad part of that news is I still don't know who Heidi Montag is, or Spenser or why they are on Us magazine every week or how she could be going back to marry him when after just 8 episodes ago he had betrayed her.

That's what it said, he betrayed her.

I didn't make that up.

God my neck has been sore, I worry I have hepatitis or Lou Gehrig's disease.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

God I want to like Bright Eyes but that fucking Whiny Connor Oburst WON'T LET ME LIKE THEM

I'm fucking furious about this lesbian kissing situation in the stands at a baseball game and I read it on CNN and I saw that the blogsphere is furious and I'm god damn furious, too.

At a baseball game?  Can't we go anywhere these days without lesbians kissing other lesbians?  I am the blogsphere and I'm fucking furious about this situation.

Know what else?

I'm furious about this Milo Cyrus girl and her nude photos in Vanity Fair.  I was so furious that I immediately looked them up to see what her nipples looked like and I'll be honest with you, I've seen more nudity on the boy models in the local Big and Tall shops (I buy my condoms and briefs and dong warmers there).

I'm not saying I wanted to see a naked body of a young fifteen year old woman developing into a young nubile woman because that is against the law and you can go to jail for even saying, can I have a picture of Milas Cyros' nipples, please. 

And damn right.

Who wants to see the young body of a wrinkleless girl whose body is untouched by the poisoned dagger of time and the sun's dead rays and the money shots of time's rampant rampage of all things which start out nice and eventually turn to shit via entropy and bad plastic surgery?

Not me.

Jesus, that lesbian situation has me furious.  I don't know why they weren't taken from the stadium and taught what it is to have real love between a man and a woman at a lesbian reclamation center.  That's what I'd have done.  Taken back to the man what's rightfully his.  The gays you let go, they are beyond cure but not the lesbians.  They have the light of the future glowing on their breasts.  At least the pretty ones.  Not the man-lesbians.  They go the way of the gays for they are considered untouchable in the lesbian reclamation centers.

But seriously, the government, don't prosecute me for looking at Vanity Fair, I was only looking out of the fury of where are the morals of society?  Why can't a Disney star remain simple and good instead of being a big fat whore in the cunt cradle of Sodom?  I promise you, the government (and the state police), that if there had been nipples I would have looked everywhere but there (unless they were painted on nipples like that one Demi Moore picture but she was an adult at the time, so I'm allowed to peep them titties (unless she's nursing in public and then that should be against the law because who wants to see a breast with a baby attached to it?  That's wrong and is against God's law (he told me))))))))))))))).

So furious.

I worry I'm going to have a fury stroke and then be all left hand crippled like the retards down at the homeless shelter and then I'm suddenly begging for food instead of exploding the blogsphere in furor and truth of opinion.

I'm so furious I might threaten the life of the future democratic president.  LOL!  Just kidding, government, I'll let Jesus himself kill the future democratic president with a holy wrath of the unborn children killed in abortions.  Ho knows how Jesus rays burn down the unrighteous and liberals.

I'm so furious that the Arabian peninsula is bunged up with all those fucking Arabs.  It would be a great place if not for all those Arabs.

But instead of explaining why I'm right about that I have to go take some valium and pray that i don't have a fury stroke.

I love you.

If you're white.

And young.

But not too young.