Call me Warren

Well, good news. Turns out I was once the President of the United States. It came to me in a dream, last night. First I had a dream that my wife pulled a vibrator out of her pocket and winked at me...then that went nowhere, which is kinda typical, then I had this dream.

Turns out I was Benjamin Harrison. Most people don't remember this president, but there's a reason for that. He was the ninja president. He was there, but behind the scenes. He liked to kick a little ass.

In 1891 he started the Boer War. The Boers were taunting him and he -- I mean I -- got real pissed and called England. I was like, "Hello, England? This is Benjamin Harrison, President of the U S of A. Yes, I'll hold..." England wasn't too keen at first, but when they found out I'd be fighting with them, they invaded right away. I went down and we kicked some major African ass (sorry So. Africa).

I married myself (see pic). In public I would change my molecules to make my scale larger and also cast a spell of duplicity to make my other self normal sized but in a dress with a narrow waist and ugly head.

I also invented cunnilingus (pics to follow).