Resolutions

Take my break dance lessons extra seriously so that I can act out You Got Served at the mall.

Practice saying, "I can smell your cunt" until it flows, and I mean really flows.

Swear less.

Fuck more Asian people. Are they hot, or what?

Tell my wife and kids that I love them every day.

Stop trying to kill the paper boy.

Sniff glue--or "huff" as the homies say it.

Try to work in the word cunt in every conversation I have with a stranger.

Make more real friends.

Eat kosher other than dill pickles, not because I'm Jewish, but so that people will think I am and then when I say, Merry Xmas, Jew no one can say anything to me.

Start carrying around a bag of peanuts and ask all the cute ladies I know, "Do you want to eat my penis?" If they seem shocked, quickly whip out the peanuts to show what a sweet man I am. Score.

Tell my wife and kids that I love them every day. Because really? I do. Also? Do you want to eat my penis?