An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie

Dear Angelina,

You may officially consider our long distance relationship to be over. No longer will I think of you when I masturbate. I'm sorry.

I know this comes as difficult news to you. We had a good thing for a long time, but I feel I must end it.

You are probably wondering why it came to this. Why, Ho, why are you breaking it off when we had such a great thing?

Since you ask, I'll present the list that has been growing over the last several years of your "apparent instability."

1.) You have a tat with an ex-lover's name and you won't get it removed. This is terrible form in most cases but when you add to the fact that the name is Billy-Bob the bad form increases by a factor of 8.

1a.) Picture me hitting it from the back and then seeing Billy-Bob leering up at me..my concentration wanes and it turns into just another fight between us about you and your inability to be subtle about who you're banging.

2.) Tomb Raider 2. Not only was the first Tomb Raider terrible but there were no boobs visible ... at all. Not one boob. Why do you think I dragged my kids to see this terrible movie? Then you make a sequel. If I had to choose between watching Tomb Raider 2 and rubbing my rock hard cock with sandpaper..it would depend on the weight of the sandpaper.

3.) Brad Pitt. He's very sexy...don't get me wrong.. but fucking him is like fucking the population of China. It was the last straw. I'm sorry.

Thanks for the memories, AJ.. you were good. The best since the 19 year old Madonna, perhaps. But it had to end. Can't you see that?