Remember when gay meant happy? Neither do I.

If I were gay I would create the ultimate T-Shirt; it would read: Gay in all the RIGHT ways.

I would wear it to every event I attended and I would go to many, many events. The first thing I would do would be to start a crusade against the liberal media. You would see me, monkey wrench in hand, blood dripping down my fingers while I blugeoned Dan Rather down to the ground like a dog.

He would be shouting, "But I'm no longer a member of the liberal media," but I wouldn't care. I'm not one for technicalities. The shirt would get covered in blood but I would quickly get some soda water on it. Soda water does wonders.

After my victory against the liberal media I would take on the environmentalists. My boot would be covered in the feces of all of the pussies whose ass I personally kicked. My shit stained boots would surely go on display at the Smithsonian, probably next to the lunar stuff they have there--or their butterflies, or whatever--it doesn't really matter.

Finally, to prove my dedication I would stand on church corners on Sundays and drag people in to worship. I would shout at them, "You don't worship now? You see this boot? You see that brown on there? That's poop, my friend. Human poop. Poop of the Levites. Are you a Levite? I didn't think so. Now get in there and tithe like you mean it."

After it all I think I would hook up with Falwell at his alien sex camp and we'd swap stories. He'd give me his well-worn bible and I'd give him my well-worn t-shirt.