Sunday, May 08, 2005

To the store with you

Today I ventured out to the grocery store with my son. The list was modest: apples, meat and coffee. Oh, and half and half. I take cream with my coffee--some call it gay, I call it fabulous.

So I walk in and I see this sweet cart. It's smaller than the other carts and I think to myself..perfect, a small, sweet cart. So I grabbed the small cart and started down the aisles.

Before I could take eight steps I see a hot chick kind of checking me out. I pivot to give her a glace at my ass and then pivot back to see her reaction. It was then that I noticed she was thinking not that I have rock hard abs but something to the tune of, "Oh, how cute. A weekend dad taking his son shopping."

I was incensed. I am no weekend dad. I immediately thought back, "Hey, nice ankle tat--that shining sun is very original. I'm sure it was classy when you were sixteen."

Weekend dad.

I yelled at my son a bit to prove my point.

"Fuji apples, FUJI APPLES, not gala. Jesus, how many times do I have to tell you?"

"Not less than 93% fat ground beef. You got chuck? What the fuck is chuck?"

I'm about to further savage the woman when I notice her hat. Nothing remarkable but it was covering a bald head. Then I felt bad. Cancer. I was ripping into a cancer patient. Ugh. Yelling at my son and being mentally cruel to sickies.

Then I noticed her other tat..the Venus symbol. Not a cancer patient..a lesbian. That accounts for the crew cut and her not checking out my ass. Women are so sneaky.

I was about to apologize to my son for yelling at him but then he said to me, "That's a kid cart you grabbed."

"I know," I replied.

"I wonder if my real dad was cool," he said.

"Cool, but not fast."

Then we got some ice cream.