Billy Elliot...what a fag

If I had a vagina I would place it on top of my right shoulder like an epaulette.

I would hide it under my shirt and whisper to it through my collar every day. I would tell it motivational things, things to boost its spirits because a vagina can get very down in the mouth.

"You're not a cunt," I would tell her.

"You're not stinky," I would say.

You are well trimmed and very moist and you haven't had a yeast infection for several months. You're the most triangular vagina I have ever seen and your clitoris is exceptionally well formed.

I'm sure my coworker would ask me who I was talking to. I'd tell her right to her ugly face, "Fuck you, Snoopy--go back to your stupid life."

If anyone patted my shoulder in a show of good will my vagina would bite off the hand that patted. No one pats my vagina. No one.