Monday, May 02, 2005

Double E Double E Double R, R, R

The first graders at my son's school are putting on a presentation of Charlotte's web. Like Charlotte's web is a play. Stupid little fuckers. I want to tell them, "Hey,'s a novel not a play."

So I got to see an advanced screening of it. The spider was laughable. I wanted to shout out, "Hey, who did the props, the retard class?" In fact, I did yell that.

That spider was so nice to that pig. That's what got me started thinking, I guess. If I were that spider I'd do different messages. I've made a short list.

1.) Pigs are food.
2.) Hey farmer, everyone thinks you're a fag because you're too afraid to kill the runt pig. Who runs your house, your daughter? (This one would take a lot of weaving but it's pretty worth it.)
3.) The Jews are laughing at you. So are the Hindus. (I'm not sure what this means, but I'm betting that farmer won't either..that's where the craftieness lies. craftyness.)
4.) I've been fucking your slut wife. We all have. Animal Farm was about a whore house and your wife is the whore.
5.) Remember bacon?
6.) Remember that drop of water you felt a few days ago? That was spider semen. Not water.

Then, just before I died for the season I'd write, Farmer, just kidding about all those things..except the semen..I can't take that back.

My concentration was broken by people clapping. I clapped. My heart wasn't really into it. I kinda wanted to crush that kid dressed as a spider, but I didn't. Went to work, instead.