Wednesday, January 19, 2005

I am gay, are you?

So the news is in, I'm 99% gay. Yep. I don't know if this is good news or bad news, but it is me, anyway.

I started to suspect something was awry when I became fascinated with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I started to predict what the gay guys were going to do and even say, and I smiled at the antics of Carson, and feeling jealous about all of the attention Jai received just for being a wuss.

Then I wanted to live with the five of them, because surely they all share a nice flat somewhere in Manhattan where they sit around and critique straight men and sip frufru drinks. And we'd all poke fun of people and sip drinks and at night I'd go to my bedroom and they would go have an orgy.

I grew worried that I was turning all gay, so I went to the doctor.

My doctor is gorgeous. I went in and told her my fear, I'm turning gay, is there something you can do to help me? I am matching sock colors to shirt colors, I'm making little tsk noises with my mouth, I'm the first to clear the foam off of a bottle of beer. Then I burst into tears.

My doctor was calm and understanding. She let me finish crying and told me that she could give me a shot and that it might hurt, but it might help.

I sighed and said, "I'm afraid of needles."

She looked at me and said, "I am too, unless they're great big stiff noodles like yours."

After we made hot, sweet love, passionate w/ ass spanking and also tender she told me my prognosis.

"You are 99% gay, but gay in a good way."

I paid my copay and left feeling much relieved.