Sunday, January 16, 2005

Wherefore Art Thou?

I guess if Eminem was in Romeo and Juliet he would play the role of Mercutio, because I saw this video yesterday where he was singing about all these crazy rap wars where they go around and shoot each other, and that's what Mercutio said, too. He said, yo, Romeo, --then a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember. But the point is, Mercutio is Eminem.

And I guess Lil Kim would be Juliet because she's the only woman wrapper I know. It may come down to boy rappers dressing up as women like they used to do in the old days, but those boy rappers are very sensitive about dressing drag. Maybe we could use Christina Aguilera.

I'd be one of the guys in the audience throwing ripe tomatoes because, damn, when is rap going to go away?

After I got kicked out I'd go watch bear baiting which is much more manly. I'd see my friends there and they'd ask me where my wife is, and if she made me leave my dick at home. I would never tire of this joke because then I could punch his ugly face.

After I got kicked out I guess I'd go to the pub, because there are pubs all over the place in England, I guess. Then a cop would harrass me on the way over. He'd say, Oy! Because those English always say Oy to start conversations. Oy, young sir, he'd say. Oy, I have a ticket for thee for crashing thine truck into yonder garbage truck.

At this point my carnal fury would explode and I'd say, Oy, pig! Take thine own tickets and stuff them into thine own cunt because that's what you are. A cunt.

Then I'd run. English cops don't carry guns but they do have sticks and they run fast, but not as fast as me.

At the inn I'd have what they call "a pint" in England, or maybe two and I'd eat "shank" and tell my tales to the locals, but I'd leave out the cop part.