Friday, January 14, 2005

So....Bad News

Yep. I was in a car accident yesterday. Oh, yes, yes, I'm fine. My back hurts a bit. Dr. says I have spasms which let my wife say that she's known I was a spaz all along. I just hate it when someone with zero humor brings me so low so quickly. My wife....but I digress.

This is a true story. Really, it is. I know the lie is more interesting, but I wanted to get this out there because how often do you get real true stories about a person's day that don't involve talks with mom and trips to the store? So if you fear banality turn your head now because this path is slick with banal (not anal) banana ... peels.

So there I was. Wait. First let me say that I live in Nebraska where the weather is un-fucking forgiving. And, I'd move but I have friends here, and my family loves it and I fear most things, particularly change. So the roads are icy slick. But I have a four wheel drive. Yes, I am un-fucking stoppable. I think you see what I'm saying.

So there I was, three cars back behind a garbage truck (hereby referred to as GT). The garbage truck was crawling along. Stop, get out, pick up garbage, sit there and smoke, crawl 10 feet. Maddening. No one goes anywhere in this town. They all just...nevermind.

As with most stories, there is an asshole, and this story has two of them. Well, three. Well, three and a concerned citizen which has asshole qualities. There's this asshole directly behind GT who was peeking out, pretending like he was going to pass then hopping back. Peeking out, hopping back. Repeat until anger explodes in head.

I'm three cars back and a tiny thought occurs to me. I'll show these cunts. Sitting here waiting for this asshole to go past like fucking sheep. Jesus. So into oncoming traffic I fly (the lane was clear, of course) and I'm rippin down past these sheep and GT when GT starts to move, so I accelerate because there's a car now in my fucking lane. The nerve.

Well, then GT makes an ill-advised left hand turn. Smash. Broadside. If I was a pirate I'd have boarded her and sacked her booty...if you...know what I mean. Of course I mean sex here, but I love the obvious so I had to say it.

Suddenly I realize that I'm the asshole who you see on the road that you think, I hope that asshole gets a ticket, or...I hope that asshole gets in a small accident. Oh, hubris. Hubris is a stinky cunt of a friend. I'll introduce you one day.

So I get out all humbled and meek. Are you ok, I ask the garbage lady...the lady was driving, and it's then that I notice she digs me. Rubs my chest, kinda pats my ass, you know. Invites me back into the truck for a little post-wreck car wreck of our own, and I'm seriously tempted when I realize that I'm in my best bus. casual and...who wants to ruin that? Not me.

And so, yeah, all of that last paragraph was a lie. Except I was humbled and meek gearing up for the cop--yes, the 3rd asshole in the story. I had to lie, I'm sorry, I have a problem with that. Except I do think she dug me. But I think that about everyone. Really.

So all kinds of boring shit happened in this section of the story. You're saying to yourself, but Ho, you've bored us silly so far, why stop? Why not just stake us in the fucking heart with boredom like you're buffy the fucking vampire slayer and vampires kill with boredom instead of sharp teeth...which, speaking of...this show was on, last night...Bon Jovi was a vampire slayer. Un Bee Lee Vable. It was stinky.

Arrive cop. He's short and it was then that I knew I was fucked. I should have just handed him my insurance card and my anus and got on with it, but I humbled myself like his bitch hoping for leniency. I tower over this guy. And if you're reading this (and why wouldn't you be?) you, sir, are a cunt. And I mean that in the worse way possible.

So yeah, he tickets Ho for unsafe driving, unsafe passing, and all kinds of unsafe things and I have to go to fucking court to clear it up. What kind of state makes you go to court every time you hit a fucking garbage truck? Jesus.

Thank you for being so patient and I'm sorry if you came here for a bit of cheap bawdy humor and found this instead.

Also? I love you. Like a brother, or a father or a lover. Whatever you need.