Let them hug my legs and let them be as gold

I get so damn jealous of the Ghost of Christmas Present with his two little kids strapped on his two legs and he's all, "This one is Poverty and this one is Ignorance and beware them both blah blah blah."

Hey, Ghost of Xmas Present (if that's your real name) if I want a fucking lessons on names and name dangers I'll take a fucking class on name and ... name dangers, not just sit around and listen to you talk about poverty and bullshit like that.

Well I got to thinkin and let me tell you that if I had two kids strapped to my legs I would name one of them Almondroca -- named after my favorite toffee treat in the world -- and the other would surely be Cocochanel (named after my favorite gorilla and also a damn fine fashion house).

On the hottest of days I would say, Cocochanel...please refill my iced tea, I grow parched. He would bring back the perfect glass of iced tea with the tea not bruised from excessive stirring, no. Perfectly iced and perfectly stirred.

He would also be a ninja.

In street brawls I would unleash him and say, Cocochanel--kill these young Mexicans.

Then I would say to Almondroca, "Go fetch the proper authorities! We'll need bandaids and taco dinners to soothe these hurt feelings."

At night they would warm me and all would be peace in my world.

Sadly, I don't have them. I am bereft. I am stricken. I am alone.