Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The two ton tongue is a heavy load hammered to the same tree that had that guy who had to cut his own leg off to escape (and he used a pocket knife, remember) (proofreading is for pussies)

I seen something today in the sky and I'm not really sure what to say about it except to go on the message boards and tell everyone that I seen a backwards S in the sky.

I initially thought it was a stack of smoke but then the S moved around and became lopsided and then I knew it was birds.

But the reverse S was clear as frozen boogers until the birds started fucking around into new patterns.  Eventually they turned into a vulgar, bulging V as they are wont to do but it wasn't a very good V.  I'd give it a C if they were in class and I would then show them movies of what good Vs can be.  Movies from the 50s when they knew things.

Six seconds after seeing the reverse S, three hearses pulled in front of me.  The trailing hearse had a personalized license plate that read Hussein or some such scary arab name.  Maybe it was Husein1.  I forget.  It certainly was arab and I certainly did back up off it in case of explosions.  It definitely was not Jewsein.  To this I will swear in court under a stack of holy Bibles.  A stack of six holy Bibles and a side of pancakes, to be quite clear.  Make that seven Bibles for seven is a holy number.

Not seven seconds after the terror train I heard the word death on the radio.  I heard it clearly.  It was not to the tune of, you will see your death today,  Ho.  It was not that clear.  It was more to the tune of so and so's death.  I forget the context, only I heard the word and it struck me...what is this sequence of events?  Is it a herald to my doom?  I must tell you I took action.

Instantly I did the genuflexes.  I dug my sharp nails into first my forehead, then my chest, over my heart and finally my left and rights.  I dug in deep (the red mark is still visible on my forehead) so that Jesus knew I meant it.  I also drove in the left lane at a rate some five miles below the regulars.  I drove like an old man on his way to the doctor.

I must tell you that dying today would really fuck up my plans of living forever.  So far The Plan To Live Forever has been working.  No kinks.  No cancer.  No explosions.  No nothing.

So all of that was clear to me and I made it to work and now have not much more to go in the day.

But what of the backward S?  Is that some kind of bizarro world reference to Superman?  Is it a symbol of declining financial prowess of the United States?

And what of the hearses?  I half-wondered if all arabs have hearses and that's why so many suiciding.  Great for business.  If I blew 22 then who would benefit (other than me with the virgins which you get when you die right)?

Right, Uncle Hussein's Hearses.

What do the ones get who don't die martyrs?  Used women?

How sad is that?