Saturday, February 26, 2005

Daily Constitutional

I thought I was one step ahead of the game. Before pooping I noticed that there were just a few threads left of paper and that I would need another roll. Someone had craftily ninja'd their last few wipes so that they wouldn't have to change out the roll. I'd have been pissed, but it's just karma because I have so often done the same thing...being a very lazy man.

So with some glee at being well prepared, I ducked into the supply cabinet and grabbed a full roll of TP, sat down, put the roll at my feet for when I would need it and started pooping. I was reading A Tale of Two Cities, just sitting there, reading and pooping in an empty house when it happened. My newest dog snuck in and grabbed the roll from between my legs and ran out with it.

My ass was covered in feces and I knew that to stand up would be to smear that awful shit all over. I called to her, "Come here, sweetie." In my chipperest voice. I'll be damned but she came! But she didn't have the roll I needed. Fuck.

"Go get the paper!"


"Go get the paper, sweetie!"


"God damn it! Go get the paper you stupid cunt."

Then a strange thing happened. She replied.

"Who's the stupid cunt, me standing here looking at you, or you with shit smeared all over his ass?"

That little bitch had me. Again.

"Fine. I'm the stupid cunt. Now will you please go get me the paper? Pretty please?"

"No." she said. And she walked away.