I better have a hangover tomorrow. If you know what's good for you.

I have an acne on my face that's so big I'm going to start charging it rent.

It can only pay in pus but I think that's fair and I'll buy nice things at the pus store.

Who do you think would win in a fight between me and Lou Gehrig?

Pre-Lou-Gehrig's disease, probably him. Afterwards, I like my chances.

Same thing for that other cripple, but the smart one. Hawking.

I'd be all, come on Einstein, bring it.

He'd be all, IT HURTS WHEN YOU CALL ME NAMES...but in his robot voice.

Of course you know my back hurts.

Happy Fat Tuesday, Jews!

For Lent I'm giving up racial slurs.

Most of them, anyway.