Monday, February 26, 2007

You should eat more ribs. I'm a doctor and that's official medical advice.

I suspect if you had gay neighbors you could refer to them (in your brain) as g-neighbors but you would pronounce the g like in gravy which is one thing I sure do love so much.

Word of warning: you must make the g silent when in polite company so that it become gneighbors like gnu and ... other silent g words and you must use the term g-neighbors only around established heteros or very closeted men and women because it will hurt so many feelings.

Also, if you get gneighbors don't feel compelled to tell them about the gays in the park (they already know), even if you feel like you're just making regular conversation (it's not). Also not required is to talk about how you have a friend who has a gay brother. Totally not required. At all. It will sound reasonable in your brain when you think about saying it but as soon as it crawls out your maw you'll know that you've said the wrong thing.

Also, program 911 into the speed dialer. You'll need it at some point. Not at first but at some point (when you least suspect it) one (or both) of the gneighbors will offer you a taste of ambrosia. Don't eat it. It might even look pretty good and it will probably be a hot day and you'll be sweaty and so will they and plus you've been drinking beer and the wife is out of town, etc. Speed dial immediately.

And too:

Guess what helps the shakes from a hangover.


More alcohol!

Helps so much.

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