Here's a song I wrote: Hey, Heidi Montag, hey Heidi will you be my bride, hey Heidi will you be my love slide?

I have some good news and some bad news.  The bad news is that if you sit on a toilet for 2 years in a row, the toilet lid will grow to your legs and the parameds will have to come and pry the seat off and hoist you to the hospital.  The sores will open and then the flesh fixers in your body will pus up and actually then bond to the plastic of the seat.  That is the bad news.

More bad news is that they can see your business the whole way there because your bum and such are still visible because you are living on a toilet.  Plus when they pull that lid from your legs, it hurts.  I bet it hurts.  And I bet it stinks.

And what's more there is no good news.  That was a lie and I told you that lie because I wanted to soften your pain at being stuck to a toilet seat.

I wonder how you wipe if your legs are stuck to a toilet.  You kinda can't lean.

I have so many questions for this woman.

Oh!

I do have good news, after all.

Remember that Heidi Montag issue?

Well, I have more news for you.  Apparently she was cheated on (or something) by Spencer!

The sad news is that I don't know who Spenser is, neither.  Nor do I know why that is news in Us Weekly.  But it is.  Big news.

That fucking Spenser.  So mad.

Furthermore, let's all find Spenser and kill him so that Heidi can rest in peace and also so we can get back to what Brittney is doing.  I'm had enough of Spenser and Heidi Montag to last a thousand years.

I guess you know it's Friday.

I have some other news.  The Jew army has been staying at my house and they're eating me out of gifeltafish.  I'm down to 3 jars and I hope they go back to Israel before I need to go back to the kosher store near my house.

And what's more?

Well, I always suspected that pilates was for fags and now I know...it's for fags who are in really good shape.  Here's how I found out...

I was in a manager meeting and I was discussing the rules and procedures we should implement so that we have productive SLAs and such and I was telling the woman next to me ... well, I told her this:  "I heard in pilates class that if you do crunches you can reduce the size of your menopause pooch."

It was at that moment that everyone fingerpointed me like that Body Snatcher movie and started shouting, Fag!

The boys, anyway.  I really have a lot of good girlfriends out of the incident, though.

Anyway, I'm going to a concert tonight and I hope to see you there.

If you see me, please don't make eye contact.

I hate that.