Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Maybe I'll shave my balls

Dear everybody who didn't send me anything for my birthday thank you for fucking that up so bad.

We went on without you but it sure would have been nice to have got some good things from you.

In a way I'm kind of glad you're going to die tomorrow in the black hole.

I'm not bitter but I just think you should treat your friends better and if it takes your death to teach you that lesson then I guess you kind of deserve it for being ugly and selfish.

I wasn't going to write anymore what with the end of the world so soon and all but then I figured, why not.  Might as well clog up the ether with a bit more flotsom before my body turns into a small cell of jelly goo.

I'll probly end up as one of the bigger goos because I'm a big fat pig.

People keep telling me that I've been looking pretty buff but I think they mean fat.  It kind of looks like the joker installed a bomb device in my stomach but he didn't.

I could probably help by drinking less but I'm an alcoholigst and it would really fuck up my career.  Not that it matters with the end of the world coming but it's good to see things through the end.

I'm a little afraid to die from black holes as we get near to it.

What worries me is waking up in the middle of the night and thinking, oh my god, what's all this sudden pressure on my chest?  Oh my god, CERN!  What have you done!

That must be a terrible moment.

I'd probly wake my wife up.

Honey, do you feel that terrible pressure on your face and chest?

No, it's not me.  This time.

It's CERN.  They're vikings from the past coming to the future to bring around Ragnaraok.  Ragn..aroki.  Ragnaagogoo.

Doesn't it hurt and feel terrible?  I'll say that to her.  Just that way.  If I can get the words out of my mouth unless it's like The Black Hole in Disney and we all just float to heaven with our robots and fancy music.  In that case I'll just pat her arm gently and tell her to go back to sleep.

But I bet it isn't like that.  I bet it's more like, omg pressure omg, can't breathe, damn you CERN and then death.

I'm a bit anxious about it.

Maybe I should just kill myself before it happens.

Get it out of the way.

I'll miss Brittney Spears.  The old Brit, not the new stable one who covers her vaj with proper pink panties.  Who cares about someone who does all the right things?  That's very boring.  Give me the drunken crotchless Brits any day.

Maybe I should update my living will.

Oh my god, all the unborn babies that will die!  Like one giant abortion.  Palin and Fallwell are gonna be so mad about that.  For a few seconds.  I bet that's their first thought.  The unborn children where life begins at conception and now this black hole!

Maybe I'll just drink and work on fan fiction.

Here's a query I wrote for work that doesn't work.  Please fix it.

select * from  dual where sysdate > sysdate -100;

I should shower and work out on the last day of life.