Suckass and Cuntface

If I were an evil Jedi my name would certainly be Darth Suckass. I would lay on the couch most of the day in relative darkness using the force to masturbate when my right and left hands get tired.

I would pop popcorn with that blue light that shoots out of the fingers, but I wouldn't overpop because if you do too much of that blue light shit, it really fucks with your face and I want to stay attractive for the ladies...even though I'd never go out to meet any.

If I did meet the ladies I'd be cool about it. I'd reach out my hand from underneath my robe and say, "Hi, I'm Darth Suckass. I'm naked under this robe and I know the force. Are you in?" How could that fail.

For an apprentice I would look for a hot chick in all of the comic book stores and trading card and coin shops, but I'd probly end up with some fat counter help dude with an extensive collection of Ricky Martin t-shirts. I'd name him Darth Cuntface.

At restarants I would use the force to think I tipped when I didn't. See how evil I would be? I'd drive everywhere too, just to make the crazy liberal Jedis mad. And I'd rub Ben Gay on my dong for protection against "Jedi Mind Tricks."

Finally, I would prepare three masks in case a good Jedi burns my face off.. which is really quite common with those pesky good Jedis. My favorite is the first but it's important to keep an open mind.