Wednesday, June 01, 2005

I've been tagged and it hurts so good

Well, here it is...a list of things about Ho. I hope that the list of things entertain, shock, dismay and even make you cry a little--but not throw up in your mouth a little, no...not that.

It will be a long journey into the painful memories of history and the poignant dreams of Ho's future. It will be long and there may be vaginal blood along the way, I cannot promise there is no vaginal blood. I will not promise, no.

Ho's life is somehow ... drenched in vaginal blood. But I digress. This will be long and you may want to turn away right now. I wouldn't blame you.

The idea is that we write five things per heading. As we all know, Ho hates lists, so I'm going to write them as if they were ... free-form-rap ... but no rhyming.

10 Years Ago, I...
was touring around the country with the rock and roll band Asia. They were on their last legs and we played the diviest of joints. I was working my way through college and fighting off the unwelcome advances of all of those Asia fags.

"Ho, part of the job of a roadie is to suck a lot of dick." I was having none of that. I'd suck dick, sure, but not Asia dick. No, get me Van Halen, get me Quiet Riot, hell even bring in Judas Priest...but not Asia.

5 Years Ago, I...
was still stuck with those cunts from Asia. Let me tell you something..when you're desperate for a new job, people can really sense that. It all came to a head one night when Johnny Flames grabbed my ass. That was it, I was out of there. I packed up my suitcase and moved to Nebraska.

Yesterday, I...
had a small hangover and was somehow covered in vaginal blood... I'm not sure where it came from. The odd thing? It was on both elbows and my right knee... nowhere else. Like that movie Exorcist III when the devil guy collects the drops of blood into the little cups..remember that? Like that but on my elbows and knee.

Today, I...
masturbated at work several times in the stall in the men's room. At the height of ejaculation I shouted out the following phrase, "Oh, oh, oh my god, my dick's burning up with the fire of bad decision making."

I also had a bagel sandwich with onion, tomatoes, avacado, cream cheese and a liberal shake of lemon pepper.

Tomorrow, I will...
probably regret what I yelled out, yesterday. Tomorrow I will change what I shout out to something like, "The old testament calls the Jews the chosen people, but who wrote the old testament?" That will go over a lot better in Omaha, I'm thinking. Oh, sweet regret.

5 Snacks I Enjoy:
Ho does not snack. Snack is a word that the gays have created to make Ho gay. Ho eats meat every time he eats or never at all. Except the bagel. That was a rare exception and certainly not a snack.

5 Songs I Know all the Words to, Even Without the Music:
Every song in the Baptist and Mormon hymnal. I use this knowledge for evil, of course.

5 Things I Would Do With $100,000,000:
I would buy blogger and every time someone clicked next it would come to my blog. I would pretend shock at how popular I had become while secretly snickering at the confused bloggers. I'd promise to "get to the bottom of this" but that would be code for masturbating and spilling my seed onto the skin of baby seals.

Top 5 Locations I`d Like to Run Away To:
Ho does not run. Running is a gay conspiracy. Men should have guts, not rock hard abs and a good cardiovascular system. Men are for eating sausages and drinking Irish whiskey, that's what men are for.

5 Bad Habits I Have:
I don't believe any habits are inherently bad. But I do bite my toenails at work...that kind of creeps people out.

5 Things I like Doing:
There is only one thing that I can truly admit to enjoying. Sex. But I could describe at least five ways to enjoy sex..places, tools, etc. But I won't because I just don't feel like it right now.

5 Things I Would Never Wear:
one would be the scalp of a guilty man. never that. The other four in no particular order would have to be underwear, and that's it.

5 T.V. Shows I Like:
The better list is TV shows I don't like. Why don't you ask me that? Who cares what I like? It's hate that interesting, not fun. Fun sucks. Bring me a hate sandwich any day.

5 Movies I Like:
All pron, all titles I've long forgotten, though the devil in miss jones was pretty good.

5 Famous People I'd like to Meet:
Ho does not like people--especially famous people. Famous people are famous because they want to be famous and I cannot get behind that. Wanting to be rich, yes. Famous, no. I'd take money over fame any day. If I were famous I'd move to France and live by Johnny Depp.

5 Biggest Joys at the Moment:
Vaginal blood would have to top the list. I've been licking it from my elbow for the last little while and it seems to have magic properties. I think I've gained +1 Charisma and my Constitution seems strengthened as well. Time will tell.

Now then. 5 people to tag. I've decided to tag strangers -- it's kind of like I had sex with them without their knowledge. Thank you, RQ, for the chance to share. In no particular order...