Smurfing Terrible

If I were a smurf I'd be the kind with a tent pole in the pants all day and all night. I'd say to the girl smurfs, "Sup, baby-smurf! Where's all the parties at?"

If they were slow to answer I'd say, "The parties right here in my smurfy tent! All are welcome, come inside...etc."

If I were in prison I'd be all, "I can smell your cunt, Starling-Smurf and it smells smurfy, come on over and let me lick it a bit." Then I'd flash my blue smurf tongue in the sweetest way that would make all the smurfs in prison lonely for companionship.

I'd also have a cool goatee. And a nose ring. I'd be Nose-Ring Smurf with Tent Pole action!

If that old dude and his cat came after me I'd be all, "Yo, Gilgamesh, you haven't met me before but I'm ninja smurf and you're name is now Gargleflesh."

Then I'd pretend like I was walking away and I'd quickly pull a ninja-strike, SUCKERHOOK!

Ok. I'm going to level with you. I don't know the smurf lore like others. In fact... I've never seen an episode of smurfs.

If that's what you want, go to Indy Girl. She seems to have a smurf tattooed on her uterus. I'm a fraud. A smurfing fraud.

I'm going back to my bottle of alcohol and my selfish lies and I'm sorry for muddling up the smurf timeline. I really am.