This is the title that stares at your breasts

Dear Junior High Principal,

In the unlikely event you read this I wanted to let you know that despite repeated denial under heated questioning I did, in fact participate in the cow eyeball incident.

To be more specific, it was Ed who took the actual eyeballs from the dissection tables and put them all into a plastic bag, not me. I stood there and giggled, mostly. I'm not sure who it was who found that girl's locker, probably that tall guy, Mike--I forget his last name.

In our defense, the locker was unlocked. She failed to spin the lock after her last visit. It wasn't an intentional act, though I'm sure she felt targeted. It was more like when I walk past a car and flick a big booger on it. I mean no intentional disrespect, it's only by the virtue of your unfortunate parking karma that you must scrub off my dirty snot.

Finally, Ed dumped the bag of bloody eyeballs covering her winter coat and many of her books that rested on the bottom shelf of the locker and we all ran as if Satan were chasing us.

I am prepared to submit to suspension from Junior High or even detention. I would say the same for Ed but he's long dead. Shot himself in the head. Rest easy, I'm sure his death has nothing--or very little--to do with your accusations of cow eyeballery.

Yours truly,

An Repentant Ho.