Thursday, April 27, 2006

I jacked Jim, I pwnt slim

Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I tried to give blood so that we could defeat the foreign element in Iraq. The bad news is they were a bit cool about taking my blood.

So I went in there and I sad down with the blood bitch and I'm all... Ok, look, last night I had sex with a gay hemopheliac from Africa who may or may not have had a bad case of mad cow disease. I knew they were going to be a bit leery about this so I hastily added, "I pitched."

I went on to explain that my ejaculator, or EjaculatOR as I like to think of it, has such a terrible force that no virus or prion has any hope of lodging in the very stem of my greeting tissues.

Then she was all, "Sir, I'm sure that you think..."

Oh, I knew where this was headed so I quickly said, "What? My blood is no good for you?"

"Sir, if you'll just let me..."

"Am I not an American? Do I not have rights? Can I not spill my own blood in this very blood bank on account of the Bill of Rights?"

"Sir, please calm down and listen..."

Now. I want you to know that I was prepared for this exchange and even brought in an invention of mine to get around the exchange. I have known for some time that the blood bank hates the gays because of their sins against God and family and also hates the Africans on account of the Africans always kicking fossil records in our faces.

I said to the prude, "Well here is some blood that I took before the gay sex if that's what you're crying about."

I quickly opened the bag of blood and sprayed blood all over the room!

I didn't mention it was goat's blood.

Well, not until the cops came. Then I was all, "OMG! LOL!! It's only goat's blood!"

Oh, we laughed--especially the nurse. "Why didn't you just say it was goat's blood? LOL!!"

Then I stuck my wang in all the pints of blood and got the hell out of there before I fainted. Blech. Blood.