Monday, April 28, 2008

4000 years ago things looked pretty good for tigers but now we chase them from our houses with cell phones

Sorry I've been away so long but I have a secret and I'm not supposed to tell but I guess you won't tell noone because of your past history with me.

Turns out John Edwards--that famous psychic who can talk to the dead-- well, he called me and he was like...don't tell noone but someone who lives in the state that starts with an A or an O or an M (or maybe it's a city, he said (which was when I knew it was Omaha)) ... don't tell noone but someone who lives there might have cancer and you might know them and you might have visited with them this year or the last year.

So I think my neighbor has cancer but don't tell anyone because I'm sure he or she would hate for that to get around and John Edwards entrusted me with his name not to tell so don't tell him I told, either.

Sorry I was away so long but I was in Boston and I can tell you about Boston but the only thing you really need to know is that there are 11 million people there and not one fucking public restroom.  I had to pee and poop on Paul Revere's house and everyone applauded me.

Ok, that's a lie, that last part.  But I was very uncomfortable for several minutes.

Sorry I was away so long but I could have died today.  I took a bath in an empty house and I could have drowned and then you wouldn't even have known if I was murdered like that cop done his wife.  Then I'd be updating this site even less if that's possible.

I think the left side of my body is aging faster than the right.  The left side is like the Jew side, all gray and old and disfigured and when you see it you want to make it move to the middle east while the right side is infused with Christ and still robust (except for my right leg which feels full of lead).

Please don't tell my friends in the Jew army I said that, please.  There's a lot of things they don't understand about science.

Plus my right armpit stinks.  All the time.  It doesn't matter what I do even if I wash it every day still the next day it will stink while my left armpit is like the dry desert sand.  Like dry death.

My right is robust--except my leg as I just told you--and my left side is dry and faded like that Jew, Dorian Gray.

God I hope I get a raise soon.