Thursday, April 07, 2005

Billy You're a Star

What many of you don't realize about me is that I'm the coach of my son's soccer team. It's so cute. All those little kids calling me Coach Ho. I dress up like that guy from that sit-com Coach. The big blonde retard. The kids love it.

What many of you don't realize about me is that I'm not the actual coach of my son's soccer team but the assistant coach. It's so cute, the kids run drills when I send them. Run in circles, run, run, run. Ok, assistant coach, Ho, ok! Watch me, ass coach, watch me. They like to call me ass coach and I like it when they call me ass coach.

There's a new boy on the team. A new boy who needs special care. Many of you are thinking that I'm the new boy on the team and you would be wrong. His name is Billy.

There's a new boy on the team. The new boy is a transfer student who was bullied something fierce. The new boy needs special care and protection. He's a nerd. Pure nerd. I sensed it when I met him.

When the real coach was running drills I called Billy over to me. Yes, ass coach, he said.


"Yes, ass coach?"

I squated down to get on his level. Kids dig that when you get real close to their face.

"Billy, look down there. You see those goal posts waaaaay over there?" I pointed far down the field in the other direction. He hobbled his nerd legs and turned around.

It was then that I pushed the little nerd right in the fucking dirt. WAM.

He was crying and I helped him up. I wispered to him, "Crying gives you cancer."

The real coach came over. "What happened?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing, I said. The little nerd kid's just a klutz. I'll work with him on his coordiation. We'll make a winner out of him."

And we will.