Fun with the fecal ray

So I was travelling and just getting home. I'm tired and cranky and I've been jostling the kids around the country on a Ho two state tour. I'm just sitting down for a moment of rest on the couch which I surely and sorely deserve when it hits me. Someone has been using my fecal ray.

Who's been using my fecal ray, I ask my wife.

I was spraying the neighbor kids, she says.

...which is fine. I totally spray the neighbor kids. All the time. It's a game with us. Well...a game with me. Mostly for them...it's not.

So the thing is, she doesn't clean the fucking thing.

So I get up off the couch, start cleaning it and it goes off...right in my face. I see the shit spraying and I open my mouth to shout something like, You dumb cunt, you forgot to put the safety on.

Right in my mouth. Gobs and gobs of it.

So, it's now clean, I have some kind of fecal/mouth infection--and I'm going to take the well deserved nap.

I love you.