Monday, April 04, 2005

Caurifrower Flesh

If I were Asian I'd have the sweetest time around town. First off, I'd speak pidgin Asian. I'd use n's for m's like Pacino did as a Cuban in Scarface...I don't know if that's a common Asian pidgin dialect trait--because there are no Asians in Omaha; there's one Asian restaurant and it's run by Mexicans but they make some sweet lo mein...which is Asian.

I'd also transpose l's for r's. I saw that on that Xmas movie where they have to go to that Chinese place when the neighbor's dogs eat the turkey...remember that? Fa ra ra ra Jesus, that just kills me.

At doctor's appointments, when the nurse asked me if I was allergic to anything, I'd say, "I arrergic to dog...big tine. Him bad stinky from rong tine in sun, but we eat. Him maybe lotten but I no dog no more."

I'd laugh all the way home but I'd drive like a crazy bastard. Those Asians can't drive for shit, man.

I'd hang out in math labs and offer bad math advice, too. Everything would be..."You need inverse, YOU NEED INVERSE."

I'd yell that out leaving off the R so it just kinda slid out in a rabid wail. Then I'd pull out the chucks. I'd shout out, "You die now by Asian NUNCHAKCAH." We always called them num chucks growing up, but Asians know the real name.

Then I'd get the hell out of there and get another coffee. Asians dig coffee, man.