Goana Pie

If I were the last ostrich alive in the world the first thing I would do is stop looking for an ostrich date. I mean come on...an ostrich can't fly. How can you get laid if you're a flightless bird? Sure I could kick things. I could probly outkick a kangaroo, but I wouldn't fuck her. No way. Pouches are just gross.

I'd probly spend a lot of time drinking and picking fights in bars...looking for Crocodile Dundee so that I could take my extinct rage out on him.

"What do you think now, Dundee? You've eaten your last Goana, bitch! RAR!"

Then I'd get another idea. Emus. Of course. They're flightless and totally hot. Plus they're very skanky. Why didn't I think of this before? Everyone knows the emu is the slut of the flightless bird kingdom. First emu, then chicken, then Non-Girlfriend and finally...that duck who had an arrow in its wing. Stupid duck.

I would raise a 1/2 ostrich, 1/2 emu army. I'd call my children...oemus. Shit. Too many vowels.

I'd sneak up on people and look docile. They'd say...Oh, look...an ostrich...I'd like to pet it. Then I'd put my head down as if I wanted to be petted...then YOINK! Talon to the groin!

When I cleared Australia I'd move to New Zeland. Then Asia. Then...THE WHOLE WORLD.