Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Bless me father for I have sinned

I have been criticised, in the past, for my bullish insistance on the missionary position. It is not because I prefer it to any other sexual position but rather it is because of my deep devotion to God.

What many people don't know about God is that his favorite position is the missionary position. In fact he liked it so well he insisted it be called, "Missionary"--people who really annoy the hell out of him but also people he finds necessary to promote his word.

There's nothing God dislikes as much as when he's watching reruns on tv when there's a knock at the door and a pack of missionaries are there trying to convert him. The irony.

A lot of people assume that God prefers the 69. Not so. Even with a few fingers shoved in the vagina or bumb would not make God prefer the 69. No, sir.

So when we make sweet sweet love and you want it from the back and I start to pray, please know that I'm praying for us. And I will hit it from the back, but it will cost me my soul one day.

I do it for us. I do it for you. I do it for Catholic. I do it for Jew.

Oh, and I'm also praying that I can hold on as long as you because sometimes the gun goes off even when the person holding the gun needs just a few more minutes.