Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Vaginas notwithstanding...the rest

Upon reading the comments I realized I left out giant gaps of the country and I cried. I broke down and literally cried. Then I sobered and resolved to make strong amends, strong, strong amends--amends without ends.

First of all, yes, Binsk, Canada is rabbit ears on a classy lady, a fine dame who is perhaps tottering from an excess of alcohol. It's a beaver's cap with the long tail of clubbed baby seal. It's one of those hats that holds two beers, but one beer is empty, always empty. It's the eternal quest to be half full, and not half empty, Canada--be not half empty. It's...a toque, eh?

The rest of the world is like the voice of the woman...it is out there and I know it exists but I cannot fathom or understand it. It is the whisper of war and peace and salvation and satisfaction and strife but it is unheard by me because I really don't have much of a grasp for words or talking. For me it's alcohol and video games. That is the sum of the game.

The middle of the country is like so much skin on a woman, it's necessary but it's not an erogenous zone so it goes unnoticed. You cannot live without it but it's nothing special. That is Omaha, just so much back skin, but hairless. Hairless backskin like a bleating hairless goat. Embrace me, Omaha, you young goatling, you bleating temptress, you frail, fickle pickle.

Texas is PMS in a woman. Texas is that moment when you've said that you're going out with your friends...that rare moment that you realize you've fucked something terrible and you're not sure how you're going to get your dick back. That is Texas. The state of shooters.

Finally...California. California is the part of a woman that you look at and say...yes, I'll live there. Then you try and move there and it's surrounded by Mexicans and Asians and teaming whites and you try to buy a house and you realize...wtf? I cannot afford a house here, so you get a shitty apartment twenty miles inland and you bake in the hot summer's heat and you commute 3 hours a day to afford your shanty hovel. Perhaps California is the ring finger.

The rest is the land of lesbians which are entirely unnoticed except by other lesbians. The rest is invisible and inconsequential...unless you dig the ladies that don't dig the dick, then it's for you.