Socrates wanted me to tell you hi but don't call him because there are no phones in hell

Please don't let me die on a Monday.  Let me die on a Wednesday so I can be buried on a Saturday and fuck up everyone's weekend.  Please let it be that.

Anne Coulter and I have some exciting news to share with you.  We finally had anal sex.

Ok, she didn't want me to tell you that but I have a dilema that I must share.

I feel really bad about the anal sex sitchy.  She didn't want to have it because she was raised right and I kind of pressured her.

She was all, "It will hurt."

I was all, "It's like vagina sex but in the rear, you see?  Plus it will be over before you know it.  I have experience in these matters.  It's like, wtf, that stings?  Then it's like, wtf, already done?"

So anyway, long story short, we done it and it was ok on my part. 

You might think she didn't like it, but that's the thing, she dug it.  Now she's worried she's a homosexual.

I keep trying to tell her that it's only when the boys do it that way that you're a homosexual, that when it's a boy puting the member into a girl behind ... that's ok.  Even the Muslims say that's ok and they're really strict about things.

But she won't be mollified, so I wish you would all send her an email and reassure her that she's still moral cause she worries a lot about that stuff, whereas I don't really care.

But don't tell her I told you, ok?  She wouldn't like that and her good friend Bill R. might call me out for a fight.