I'll bet if your last name was Biggerstaff you'd be all braggy about it. But it's not that cool.

The first man to eat squid was also the one who invented cunnilingus.

After the squid he probly said, "Ok, what else you got. Oh, that? Sure. You got lemon? No?" Then he paused to take it all in. I can see it in my mind. "That's fine. That's fine, let's see how it goes without lemon."

But lemon sure would help, sometimes. Or tartar sauce.

Sure do love tartar sauce.

It's glorified mayo but I sure do love it.

Know what else?

When I was young I used to laugh at comb-overs but the older I get the more I find myself qualifying them like, I don't want a comb-over like HIM.

Like Donald Trump.

I don't want a comb-over like Donald--as if a Johnny Depp comb-over would be so much more sleek.

Here's a poem about Cuba.

Cuba,
if you and
peurto rico
went to war
you'd totally
win.

which is like
bragging
that you suck
a little less suck
than some other
shitty island
like
hawaii but
with mexicans
and not the
savages.

(and i'm not
just saying that)

except you have
guantanamo bay

except you sure do
have guantanamo
and for that we
thank you
as if you had
a choice