The creeping turtle is unmolested except by the quick and the curious

I'm going to change my first name to Santa so that people will like me more.

Except the Jews.

And the Muslims.

Just no pleasing those two.

Give them iced tea and they'll ask for lemonade. Give them lemonade and they'll go on with their diabetes stories--the same ones we've heard a thousand times before. Offer them a handful of nuts and they will explode.

But the Hindis will dig me.

They'll paint my face a deep blue and give me a snake tongue which will go quite well with my red and white fuzzy cap with a white pompom toward the end.

They'll draw pictures of me and both of my soot-black boots will point the same way.

They have so many gods that the addition one more is inconsequential. And one who brings gifts, no less. Much better than the elephant one what just eats all the hay. Or whatever he does. His power. His whatever. Blue Elephant. L Ron Hubaphant.

They'll sit around and pretend presents were delivered except they're so poor that the presents will be rocks and the wrapping paper will be brightly colored feces.

But they'll still have fun.

Say what you will, it's very nice to live in America.