I wish you'd wear skimpier dresses and sent me picture like your mom does

This is what you'd look like when you're reincarnated as an animal because you eat a lot of pork and clams and meats:

http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20070819/i/r4089763799.jpg?x=295&y=345&sig=_c0JLeLKYUgq1ag3UMXaMA--

Except your hat will be fancier and you'll have a penned-in Hitler stache to show you're not to be trifled with.

You'll also wear more turqouise because that's your birthstone.

I'd join you but I'm afraid your last gift of a 1000 dirty condoms was ill received by me and some members of my inner circles.

I peeped into the box and into the tubes that you sent and I can tell you I saw a sea of sea men scanning a port and looking up they saw me and tried to board.

Quickly I capped them down and sent them on to your nephew to teach him how to shake off the burdens of youth.

A 1000 dirty condoms.

Though if I change my mind, I'll be in the form of a dik dik with my own fancy hat for I've eaten my share of pork and beef.

Even more than my share.

But not as much like you, little piggy.