Make me a buffer zone and make it hot and line it with wires and liars and all the gadgets extreme

Dear alchoholics,

I have been considering your offer and I think we might be able to talk except there are a few points that I need cleared up before I sign any contracts.

Number one, I want to be one of the cool ones. I picture myself more like a Rick in Casablanca or Marv in Sin City than Mickey Rourke in Barfly. If I can't have the real persona then I would settle for a simple delusion of grandeur as those have carred me pretty well, so far. I'll leave that detail up to you.

2.) I need to be the kind that keeps a job and a pretty good one. I have lots of bills and cannot afford to live in a box. Plus I hate camping. Hate it. Camping is for people who don't know how good they have it and then go see how bad it can be.

Ok, so there's just the two things, I guess. No, wait. One more thing. Gum. All I can eat. Wintergreen, if possible. Unchewed but that's negotiable.

Please run this up the chain of your operation and get back to me before the end of the week or I may be having further neogiations with drug addict.