This is my hand, this is my leg, this is the bottle of pickles you crave

The Japs don't use chopsticks.

I was just eating sushi and struggling to get the meat pods up to my delicate lips when I had a sneezing fit and had to go to the bathroom.

It was then that I chanced upon several snickering Japs saying, "You can trick American do anything" tee hee, "Here, you eat with two sticks, we do all tine!" tee hee.

I was livid. I walked right up to them and said, "Where is the bathroom?" In my mind I said much more things which I cannot reveal here on account of the foul language.

Secondarily they don't drink tea. They think it's gross. And it is. But they grow a lot of it so that they can sell it to England. Stupid England. The Japs are laughing at you Mr. Darjeeeling.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was this:

I want to marry a girl with an oral fixation and a low self-esteem.

Well, maybe not marry.

But just get to know kinda good.

I may have said it before, of course. If I did and you noticed then please keep it to yourself.

I jacked Jim, I pwnt slim

Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I tried to give blood so that we could defeat the foreign element in Iraq. The bad news is they were a bit cool about taking my blood.

So I went in there and I sad down with the blood bitch and I'm all... Ok, look, last night I had sex with a gay hemopheliac from Africa who may or may not have had a bad case of mad cow disease. I knew they were going to be a bit leery about this so I hastily added, "I pitched."

I went on to explain that my ejaculator, or EjaculatOR as I like to think of it, has such a terrible force that no virus or prion has any hope of lodging in the very stem of my greeting tissues.

Then she was all, "Sir, I'm sure that you think..."

Oh, I knew where this was headed so I quickly said, "What? My blood is no good for you?"

"Sir, if you'll just let me..."

"Am I not an American? Do I not have rights? Can I not spill my own blood in this very blood bank on account of the Bill of Rights?"

"Sir, please calm down and listen..."

Now. I want you to know that I was prepared for this exchange and even brought in an invention of mine to get around the exchange. I have known for some time that the blood bank hates the gays because of their sins against God and family and also hates the Africans on account of the Africans always kicking fossil records in our faces.

I said to the prude, "Well here is some blood that I took before the gay sex if that's what you're crying about."

I quickly opened the bag of blood and sprayed blood all over the room!

I didn't mention it was goat's blood.

Well, not until the cops came. Then I was all, "OMG! LOL!! It's only goat's blood!"

Oh, we laughed--especially the nurse. "Why didn't you just say it was goat's blood? LOL!!"

Then I stuck my wang in all the pints of blood and got the hell out of there before I fainted. Blech. Blood.

I have left eye cancer

To all the girls I've ever donkeypunched before (and also the boys):

I have been doing some research on the internet from my mom's basement and also the local library where the non-white kids go for surfing and I've come upon a startling discovery.

At first I thought the donkey was a matter of finesse to be done with just the right flair. I could not have been more wrong. It's timing.

Fuck I was so stupid.

It's not about how hard you strike or how gentle, but when.

Apparently at the beginning or mid stroke is not good enough.

So if you would give me another chance I think I could get it right, this time.

And if we've never had the pleasure together, perhaps it's time that we do instead of you being so fucking selfish.

HISTORY OF ROBOTS IN THE VICTORIAN ERA

These aren't the droids you're looking for

Read more at www.bigredhair.com/robo...

Mozilla Firefox Start Page

I'm very angry about this firefox situation

Read more at www.google.com/firefox?...

This is my foot, this is your ass.

I have a confession to make. I'm really from the future. I know this will come as a shock to most but I come to you from the year 2007.

I realize that this is only a few months away but I'm afraid I've fallen into a bit of a time warp syndrome...which is time traveller terminology for I've fucked it up again.

You see...in addition to the Jews and the Arabs working out their differences over the next several months, some dude will discover time travel.

My job in the future is to go back in time and kill him or his parents so that time travel is never invented.

Sadly, I fuck this up every time.

So we've been living the last 15 years or so for millenia.

And I'm real sorry about it.

The good news? In about eight months you'll see your dead mom again!

The bad news? She's still a bitch.

That's rill funny

I'm going to start a new foundation to teach the gays how to love properly (via the vagina) and its name will be called, Don't put it there, put it there, silly. Your donations are appreciated as it will take a lot of money to re-instruct the poor gays. Satan really pulled the wool over their poor eyes. But with money and faith and proper vaginal indoctrination I think they'll be ok.

Secondarily I'm very upset about the wish situation. When I get a wish I'm always, I wish for a million wishes, then the people shout me down, "No wishing for extra wishes." like it's some kind of fucking law.

Apparently, though...it is a law. Wish law. It's like science but then it's also like religion which is to say magic.

So as I'm a constant thinker and schemer of improving the way things work (note the gay fixing foundation as proof) I have discovered a way to turn one wish into three.

Please note that this is my idea and if you steal it I'll expect a little bj or something.

One word: Monkey's Paw.

BAM!

Three wishes.

Hey there, little guy

I have just found out that Arabic is read from right to left. In light of this new discovery I have a message to deliver to my Muslim friends:

.skcuf yzarc uoy em llik t'nod esaelP

Fans of Dan Brown will realize that I have written some form of code or cryptology that is nigh undeciferable by all but the most clever superficial pulp fiction characters.

Anyway, I was thinking today that a good idea for a television drama would be the story about the man who married the midget and strapped him onto his chest like the mothers do with the babies and then snuck her into movie theaters just to save the five dollars.

Then they catch her giving him head and they're all OMG, He's molesting that baby!

And he's all...no, no! you have it all wrong, that's my wife!

Then it really is a baby, like in those dreams where suddenly you're fucked beyond all measure of fucking or like when you're driving and you are pretty sure you hit a kid and you always go back to make sure you didn't actually hit a kid and you never really did except that one time you don't go check?

But it wasn't really a baby.

It was a midget.

Baby head is just disgusting and offensive, but not midget head. At least as long as it's not homo midget head. Hetero midget head is fun, fancy and frivolous.

Bon weekend.

This is the way we wash our car, wash our car, wash our car

OMG, everyone, I just had the best. idea. ever. I was pooping in the bathroom when I said to myself, "Ho...what are we going to do with this felon Mexico sitchy?"

I mean, if the felons go...who will do our shitty work? Will prices go up? I can't afford to pay more for grapes, etc.

Then I started to cry. Straight up bawling. I was sobbing and I prayed unto the very Lord.

Then I said to myself, "Of course. It's so simple. Annex Mexico."

I even have a new name for the biggest state so far, Annexico.

I'm going to present my ideas to the Bushes or whomever will need to make this happen.

I hope I'm the first senator from the humble state of Annexico.

Flexican, flexican, flexican Jew -- you love me and I love you

I know this won't show up right but out of my love for you I have made an ascii art of a retard with only 3 fingers (it's a boy and he lost them doing a dual pick when I socked his mug with an uppercut right in the very nostrils):

__ ( )
( ) |__|
|__| __ __ | |
| |( )( )|__| __
|__||__||__|| | / )
| (__)(__) | / /
| |/ /
| / /
\ /

Secondarily, I love it when girls wear thigh length skirts with the floral patterns and the swish of the wind almost shows the panties that are surely there and then they take that skirt off and fuck you like it's a surprise, as if it were an afterthought that you were both there and she offs her skirt and fucks you near unto death.

The pelvis bones break from the romping and the skin grates and shreds and the two areas almost fuse together from the raw meat of the legs and thighs and the muck juice that dries and cracks and forms again. But it never quite sticks. Friction has a way of overcoming bonds.

But just between those events is this question, "Dude, wtf with your pee pee?"

"LOL!" you say, "I made a fine coat for my mouse and these are the resulting scabs and scars! It's not really the herp which most don't believe but I swear unto you. Not the herp."

And she says, "Oh, ok. I seen that once before."

And then it's on and then it ends and you always are wanting just a bit more, right?

Please open a discretionary sex account in my name

I done a terrible thing.

I wanted to make a sports coat for my pet mouse so I took one of them razors that the retards use to jack themselves in the maw and I carefully removed the skin along the shaft of the very penis.

I wanted a skin that was thin and lightweight yet also smooth, soft and water repelent so that when my pet mouse goes a-strolling he won't get all wet.

It also had to be a long coat so that it could cover the tip of his nose to the very tip of his tail.

I considered going to a hospital and getting all the Jew tips but I didn't want patchwork, I wanted it to be relatively semeless so the water wouldn't moisten his too-soft fur.

As I was saying, I carefully cut the skin and it came right off. The only hard part was the cutting of the tender tip. I kinda hacked at that a bit until I realized that it was not to come off.

For healing purposes I encapsulated the wound in a sheath of crystalized salt nuggets.

The pain was delicious.

Not so delicious are the scab splitting erections that have been troubling me these many mornings.

I wake up with a moist blood betwixt the legs and a cry and a gasp and the blood that stains the sheets and the blood that stains everything else.

1, 2, 3 Not it!

What many people don't understand about Jesus is that He was very tired when He got into heaven after being pwnt by the Jews. Everyone was all, "Hey, Jesus! Welcome back, bro!"

Jesus was all, "Hey, thanks. I'm gonna go lay down, I just had a rough weekend."

For three days He slept and on Sunday God walked in and was like, "WTF? Do you know what day it is? You need to get back down there before it's too late."

Jesus was all...Crap!

What the Canadians don't understand is that the Monday after Easter is tax day and Jesus had to bust His ass to get back to file. Secondarily Easter is also called Boxing day in Canada on account of the Canadian propensity to get most things wrong about life. I read this in a textbook.

Anyway, Jesus, being no longer a Jew was terrible with Math. He tried to deduct everything and it became a grand mess. Paul said, "LOL! Jesus you can't deduct Mary M. as a business expense, you don't have any receipts! LOL!!"

Whereupon Jesus said, "Stfu, Paul, I never liked you."

Everyone kinda laughed at this because no one really liked Paul.

They later went out that night to a club and Jesus was very cautious to get receipts.

I earned this hangover

I really wish Jesus had died on a Saturday, either that or it took him four days to be resurrected, though I know four is not as magic a number as three, so the Saturday wish is better.

Then I wish that a culture of presents and magical creatures bringing them grew up around Easter so that even the terrible Jews and Muslims could celebrate it and we'd all get the day off. And lots of food, too. And booze.

Furthermore I suppose people would take the Friday off and possibly the Tuesday then they'd come in and you'd say, "How was your Easter?" and they'd say, "It was good but I need a vaction from my vacation!"

Laugh, laugh, oh sweet laugh.

Then you'd say, "I hear ya."

But you'd really be thinking, I'd kill you for your cube. Cause really, who likes that guy anyway?

To recap: Christ gets pwnt by the Jews on Saturday, Monday we get presents and eat and drink a lot, Wednesday we complain about how terrible the five day weekend was.

You must be daddy's little pumpkin

What with the coming of Easter I get lots of questions about the term WWJD from all of my Jewish friends.

"Hey, Blog Ho," they say. "What do people mean by WWJD?"

You see, it's very hard for the Jew to understand this because they killed Christ, our Lord before they had a chance to really get to know him.

As bad as that seems...and it is very fucking bad...it doesn't mean that we shouldn't all take a minute and tell the people what the term actually means.

Jews, it's like this. When I come up on a leper, I heal it. When I go to a party, I make wine. Cause that's what Jesus did.

Since you don't have the New Teste I'm gonna say it this way, what would Moses do?

But without the stupid laws what he done. Like the beating to death of the children. And the frog plague? That's a real bad plague, frogs. I'm all a fuckin quiver. But the angel of death one was pretty good. The one with the Lamb's blood and Charleton Heston was praying and such? That was a good scene.

So like with Moses but no frogs and not as mean and stupid. Like a youger, pretty Moses. Not old crabby Moses who started to get shit stains in his pants from lack of control.

Hello, squirrel, meet my foot

I seen a documentary last night about how this island down in Xico is making dinosaurs and I'm very upset about the dinosaur situation.

The island is called Isla Nublar which means Dinosaur Island in Xican and then they bring the T-rexican up to San Diego and I say we make it a felon and ship it right back.

This is me, lone ascii wolf. Lobo. El Lobo. I'm howling on the internet that I'm tired and I want a hot bath and I don't want to live in the forest no more.

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Camping is stupid.

The hangover I have today would kill one of those miniature horses. They couldn't take the pain that I'm having. It's wonderful.

Triangular Tempest

I'm sorry America but I have another to add to the Xican list and that's Texican. Too many gun toting nut jobs for my taste come from that God-infested triangle of a state. Plus too many Bush's--I'm not real into politics or nothing but, Jesus. Enough fucking Bush's in politics. Go do something else, Bush's...go...run the Astros or something. Let the thinking people run stuff for a bit. But I digress.

Plus it's hot there.

Plus they think the Gulf of Xico is cool and I'm here to tell you...it is not cool. No es una buena onda, chicititas.

Secondarily, anorexicans. Fucking eat, will you? Oh, you're so sad. Oh you're so fat. No, you're just rickety and gross. Eat or get the fuck out.

I wish there were an x somewheres in morbidly obeses. They'd be the next to go. Morbidlyobesicans.

obeses obeses, they'd even eat feces.

Bubblegum bubblegum in a dish

I hate body builders. Hate them. They always walk around the towns with their flexy muscles bulging and their great gaping brains gaping.

They think they're so strong and cool. But they aren't.

I hate them so much I have devised a body builder final solution similar to the Hitler situation but not as extreme.

From this day on body builders are to be referred to as Flexicans. That's right. Like Xicans.

Furthermore they are to be put on the Flexican/Xican felony list and sent to the prisons before the deportation to Xico.

If I crashed in the Andes I wouldn't eat a Flexican with their 3% body fat. What's the point?

If I put a personal ad to eat someone alive and a Flexican answered it, I'd say no. I just would.

You deserve nice things

Well, good news. I have a new word that everyone can start using. I based it on the way you can say Xtian when you're referring to Christians just like you can say Xmas instead of Christmas.

The term applies to Mexico and everything below it even until the very Mexican penguins of Antarctica. This wraps up all the pesky things that we of white America have a hard time considering...the Guatemalans, Salvadorians, Chalupadorians, etc. All look Mexican to us.

I feel that when writing the saving of two extraneous letters can really give you a boost and also reduce the carpal tunnel syndrome that all the old women complain about. Oh, my carpals. I can't type and I'm very upset about this tunnel situations.

So for you, old ladies, the two letters for Xican can now be dropped. That's the m and the e for those not paying attention.

The new word (Xican) can be used in all types of writing and dictation.

Dear Senator,

Please make all the Xicans felons and ship them to the jails. They're taking all my jobs and also using all the hospitals to have their little breeds.

Or this:

Dear Xicans,

Please stop stepping on the ivy whilst you cut the grass. It makes me rill mad.

Or if you play Lacross:

Let's hire some Xican strippers for the party!

That last part was too far and I regret typing it, but I do kinda hope it offended you. Kinda.

Nice job, UCLA. Losers. We're laughing at you.

I received this in my email, this morning:

On Wednesday, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. That won't ever happen again in our lifetimes.

And you missed it, EST! You totally fucking missed it! You'll never see that kind of thing again in your lifetime on account of I withheld the information on account of your obsession with being an hour ahead as if you were better than me! Ha! Suck it, EST.

And you probly missed it too CST! I had to wait to make EST miss it and you've also been pissing me off which is why I sent the tornadoes! I'll send more this year, too. See if I don't. So flat and ugly. Tiny hillocks and sad fat rivers full of mud.

And you have a chance MST and the one with California. You're ok. Except you, Utah. You're kooky. You too, Idaho. We're on to your mysterious queer ways.

Just cause you stutter don't mean you're a retard...necessarily

I'm pretty sure I'm onto an idea that will soon sweep the nation. The idea is to rename the electric chair Freedom Fry. Then when you ask the prisoner if they want the gas chamber or Freedom Fries they'll go for the fries and we can all sit around and watch while they get shocked!

They'll be all, "This aint no fries."

We'll be all, "LOL! Suck on that, criminal! How bout a jolt of Heinz fifty seven volts!"

Then after the execution of some white dude, you just know that someone is gonna say that they want the white meat. Then we will cast that person to the wilderness for lack of taste. Then we'll eat the corpse.

Secondarily, I'd kinda like to get into the electric chair franchise. If you know anyone...give me a call.

I don't wanna be buried in a pet cemetery.

I was going to take the family to Basic Instinct II, this weekend, when I realized two things:

1.) I don't want to see that old kooch staring me in the face.

2.) The first Basic Instinct sucked, even with young kooch.

Dear Hollywood,

If you're going to flash pussy on the screen, make it young.

Secondarily, here is some ascii art:

o

That is Laura Dern's vagina. At first I would not believe that it was perfectly round but she insisted upon showing me and it is, in fact, perfectly circular.

More ascii art. Here is what regular vaginas look like for those who aint seen one:

|

Vertical. Like a tall soldier waiting to go out on assignment and kill the menacing hoard. But soft and wet and charming.